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Gift of
THE HEARST CORPORATION
4//
THE MERRY WIVES
OF WINDSOR
M Let's consuu together against this greasy knight
NEW TORK
FREDERICK A. STOKES COMPANY
PUBLISHERS
1910
Printed in England
DRAMATIS PERSONS
Sir John Falstaff.
Fenton, a gentleman.
Shallow, a country justice.
Slender, cousin to Shallow.
Ford,~1
p r \two gentlemen dwelling at Windsor.
William Page, a boy, son to Page.
Sir Hugh Evans, a Welsh parson.
Doctor Caius, a French physician.
Host of the Garter Inn.
Bardolph,-\
Pistol, \ sharpers attending Falstaff.
Nym, J
Roein, page to Falstaff.
Simple, servant to Slender.
Rugby, servant to Doctor Caius.
Mistress Ford.
Mistress Page.
Anne Page, her daughter.
Mistress Quickly, servant to Doctor Caius.
Servants to Page, Ford, etc.
Scene — Windsor, and the neighbourhood.
•
" Let's consult together against this greasy knight " Frontispiece
" If he were twenty Sir John Falstaffs, he shall not abuse
Robert Shallow, Esquire ! "
" They carried me to the tavern "
" Enter Anne Page with wine, Mistress Ford and Mistress
Page following "
The Book of Riddles
11 1 am not-a hungry, I thank you "
" Why do your dogs bark so ? be there bears i' the town?"
" There's pippins and cheese to come"
" Enter Falstaff, Pistol, Nym and Bardolph "
" This letter to Mistress Page and thou this to Mistress
Ford "
" Exeunt Falstaft and Robin "
" Does he not hold up his head, as it were ? and strut
in his gait ? "
" Villain ! larron ! " {Pulling Simple out)
" I wash, wring . . . and do all myself"
Facing
Page
2
IO
12
M
16
18
20
22
24
26
28
3°
32
viii LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS
Facing
j>*ge
" Have not your worship a wart above your eye? " 34
" Here's the twin brother of thy letter " 40
u Go in with us and see " 44
" How now, sweet Frank ! why art thou melancholy ? " 48
" When Mrs. Bridget lost the handle of her fan " 50
" Marry, this is the short and the long of it " 54
" I had rather, forsooth, go before you like a man than
follow him like a dwarf " 78
" He has eyes of youth, he smells April and May " 80
" There empty it in the muddy ditch " 82
" You little Jack-a-Lent, have you been true to us ? " 84
" There comes my master, Master Shallow, and another
gentleman, from Frogmore, over the stile this way " 86
" I cannot cog, and say thou art this and that, like a many
of these lisping hawthorn-buds " 88
" They covered him with foul linen " 90
" And 'tis the very riches of thyself that now I aim at " 98
" I had a father, Mistress Anne : my uncle can tell you
good jests of him " 100
" Thrown in the Thames " 104
" Master Slender is let the boys leave to play " 114
" Come on, sirrah — answer your master, be not afraid " 118
"Are you not ashamed? let the clothes alone " 126
" Out of my door, you witch " 130
" Then let them all encircle him about " 136
" Enter Sir Hugh Evans, Anne Page, and others " 156
" Search Windsor Castle, elves, within and out " 158
"And nightly meadow fairies, look you sing " 160
" Now, good Sir John, how like you Windsor wives " 162
11 1 went to her and cried ■ mum ' and she cried ' budget ' " 166
Scene I
Windsor. Befo7-e Page's house
Enter Justice Shallow, Slender, and Sir
Hugh Evans
Shallow
Sir Hugh, persuade me not; I will make a Star-
chamber matter of it: if he were twenty Sir John
Falstaffs, he shall not abuse Robert Shallow, esquire.
Slender
In the county of Gloucester, justice of peace and
1 Coram.'
2 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act i.
Shallow
Ay, cousin Slender, and ' Custalorum.'
Slender
Ay, and ' Rato-lorum ' too ; and a gentleman born,
master parson ; who writes himself ' Armigero,' in any
bill, warrant, quittance, or obligation, ' Armigero.'
Shallow
Ay, that I do ; and have done any time these three
hundred years.
Slender
All his successors gone before him hath done't ; and
all his ancestors that come after him may : they may
give the dozen white luces in their coat.
Shallow
It is an old coat.
Evans
The dozen white louses do become an old coat well ;
it agrees well, passant ; it is a familiar beast to man,
and signifies love.
Shallow
The luce is the fresh fish ; the salt fish is an old coat.
Slender
I may quarter, coz.
Shallow
You may, by marrying.
" If he were tiventy Sir John Falstaffs, he shall
not abuse Robert Shallow, Esquire ! "
sc. i. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 3
Evans
It is marring indeed, if he quarter it.
Shallow
Not a whit.
Evans
Yes, py'r lady ; if he has a quarter of your coat, there is
but three skirts for yourself, in my simple conjectures :
but that is all one. If Sir John Falstaffhave committed
disparagements unto you, I am of the church, and will
be glad to do my benevolence to make atonements and
compremises between you.
Shallow
The council shall hear it ; it is a riot.
Evans
It is not meet the council hear a riot ; there is no fear
of Got in a riot : the council, look you, shall desire to
hear the fear of Got, and not to hear a riot ; take your
vizaments in that.
Shallow
Ha ! o' my life, if I were young again, the sword should
end it.
Evans
It is petter that friends is the sword, and end it : and
there is also another device in my prain, which per-
adventure prings goot discretions with it : there is
Anne Page, which is daughter to Master Thomas Page,
which is pretty virginity.
4 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act i.
Slender
Mistress Anne Page ? She has brown hair, and speaks
small like a woman.
Evans
It is that fery person for all the odd, as just as you will
desire ; and seven hundred pounds of moneys, and gold
and silver, is her grandsire upon his death's-bed — Got
deliver to a joyful resurrections ! — give, when she is
able to overtake seventeen years old : it were a goot
motion if we leave our pribbles and prabbles, and desire
a marriage between Master Abraham and Mistress
Anne Page.
Slender
Did her grandsire leave her seven hundred pound ?
Evans
Ay, and her father is make her a petter penny.
Slender
I know the young gentlewoman ; she has good gifts.
Evans
Seven hundred pounds and possibilities is goot gifts.
Shallow
Well, let us see honest Master Page. Is Falstaff there ?
Evans
Shall I tell you a lie ? I do despise a liar as I do
despise one that is false, or as I despise one that is not
sc. i. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 5
true. The knight, Sir John, is there ; and, I beseech
you, be ruled by your well-willers. I will peat the door
for Master Page. \Knocks\ What, hoa ! Got pless
your house here 1
Page
[ Within] Who's there ?
Enter Page
Evans
Here is Got's plessing, and your friend, and Justice
Shallow; and here young Master Slender, that per-
adventures shall tell you another tale, if matters grow to
your likings.
Page
I am glad to see your worships well. I thank you for
my venison, Master Shallow.
Shallow
Master Page, I am glad to see you : much good do it
your good heart ! I wished your venison better ; it was
ill killed. How doth good Mistress Page? — and I
thank you always with my heart, la ! with my heart.
Page
Sir, I thank you.
Shallow
Sir, I thank you ; by yea and no, I do.
6 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act i.
Page
I am glad to see you, good Master Slender.
Slender
How does your fallow greyhound, sir ? I heard say he
was outrun on Cotsall.
Page
It could not be judged, sir.
Slender
You'll not confess, you'll not confess.
Shallow
That he will not. 'Tis your fault, 'tis your fault; 'tis a
good dog.
Page
A cur, sir.
Shallow
Sir, he's a good dog, and a fair dog : can there be more
said ? he is good and fair. Is Sir John Falstaff here?
Page
Sir, he is within; and I would I could do a good office
between you.
Evans
It is spoke as a Christians ought to speak.
Shallow
He hath wronged me, Master Page.
sc. i. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 7
Page
Sir, he doth in some sort confess it.
Shallow
If it be confessed, it is not redressed : is not that so,
Master Page ? He hath wronged me ; indeed he hath ;
at a word, he hath, believe me : Robert Shallow, esquire,
saith, he is wronged.
Page
Here comes Sir John.
Enter Sir John Falstaff, Bardolph, Nym,
and Pistol
Falstaff
Now, Master Shallow, you'll complain of me to the
King?
Shallow
Knight, you have beaten my men, killed my deer, and
broke open my lodge.
Falstaff
But not kissed your keeper's daughter?
Shallow
Tut, a pin 1 this shall be answered.
Falstaff
I will answer it straight ; I have done all this.
That is now answered.
8 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act i.
Shallow
The council shall know this.
Falstaff
'Twere better for you if it were known in counsel :
you'll be laughed at.
Evans
Pauca verba, Sir John ; goot worts.
Falstaff
Good worts! good cabbage. Slender, I broke your
head : what matter have you against me ?
Slender
Marry, sir, I have matter in my head against you ; and
against your cony-catching rascals, Bardolph, Nym and
Pistol.
Bardolph
You Banbury cheese !
Slender
Ay, it is no matter.
Pistol
How now, Mephostophilus !
Slender
Ay, it is no matter.
Nym
Slice, I say ! pauca, pauca : slice ! that's my humour.
sc. i. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 9
Slender
Where's Simple, my man? Can you tell, cousin?
Evans
Peace, I pray you. Now let us understand. There is
three umpires in this matter, as I understand; that is,
Master Page, fidelicet Master Page; and there is my-
self, fidelicet myself ; and the three party is, lastly and
finally, mine host of the Garter.
Page
We three, to hear it and end it between them.
Evans
Fery goot : I will make a prief of it in my note-book ;
and we will afterwards ork upon the cause with as great
discreetly as we can.
Falstaff
Pistol !
Pistol
He hears with ears.
Evans
The tevil and his tarn 1 what phrase is this, • He hears
with ear ' ? why, it is affectations.
Falstaff
Pistol, did you pick Master Slender's purse?
io MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act i.
Slender
Ay, by these gloves, did he, or I would I might never
come in mine own great chamber again else, of seven
groats in mill-sixpences, and two Edward shovel-boards,
that cost me two shilling and two pence a-piece of Yead
Miller, by these gloves.
Falstaff
Is this true, Pistol ?
Evans
No ; it is false, if it is a pick-purse.
Pistol
Ha, thou mountain-foreigner ! Sir John and master mine,
I combat challenge of this latter bilbo.
Word of denial in thy labras here !
Word of denial : froth and scum, thou liest !
Slender
By these gloves, then, 'twas he.
Nym
Be avised, sir, and pass good humours: I will say
' marry trap ' with you, if you run the nuthook's humour
on me ; that is the very note of it.
Slender
By this hat, then, he in the red face had it ; for though
I cannot remember what I did when you made me
drunk, yet I am not altogether an ass.
•' They carried me to the tavern "
l\T »■
sc. i. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR u
Falstaff
What say you, Scarlet and John ?
Bardolph
Why, sir, for my part, I say the gentleman had drunk
himself out of his five sentences.
Evans
It is his five senses : fie, what the ignorance is !
Bardolph
And being fap, sir, was, as they say, cashiered ; and so
conclusions passed the careires.
Slender
Ay, you spake in Latin then too ; but 'tis no matter :
I'll ne'er be drunk whilst I live again, but in honest,
civil, godly company, for this trick : if I be drunk, I'll
be drunk with those that have the fear of God, and not
with drunken knaves.
Evans
So Got udge me, that is a virtuous mind.
Falstaff
You hear all these matters denied, gentlemen; you
hear it.
12 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act i.
Enter Anne Page, with wine ; Mistress Ford
and Mistress Page, following
Page
Nay, daughter, carry the wine in ; we'll drink within.
[Exit Anne Page.
Slender
heaven ! this is Mistress Anne Page.
Page
How now, Mistress Ford !
Falstaff
Mistress Ford, by my troth, you are very well met : by
your leave, good mistress. [Kisses her.
Page
Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome. Come, we have
a hot venison pasty to dinner : come, gentlemen, I hope
we shall drink down all unkindness.
[Exeunt all except Shallow, Slender, and .Evans.
Slender
1 had rather than forty shillings I had my Book of
Songs and Sonnets here.
Enter Simple
How now, Simple! where have you been? I must wait
on myself, must I ? You have not the Book of Riddles
about you, have you?
"Enter Anne Page with wine, Mistress Ford
and Mistress Page following"
sc. i. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 13
Simple
Book of Riddles! why, did you not lend it to Alice
Shortcake upon All-hallowmas last, a fortnight afore
Michaelmas?
Shallow
Come, coz ; come, coz ; we stay for you. A word with
you, coz ; marry, this, coz : there is, as 'twere, a tender,
a kind of tender, made afar off by Sir Hugh here. Do
you understand me?
Slender
Ay, sir, you shall find me reasonable ; if it be so, I shall
do that that is reason.
Shallow
Nay, but understand me.
Slender
So I do, sir.
Evans
Give ear to his motions, Master Slender: I will
description the matter to you, if you be capacity of it.
Slender
Nay, I will do as my cousin Shallow says : I pray you,
pardon me; he's a justice of peace in his country,
simple though I stand here.
Evans
But that is not the question : the question is concerning
your marriage.
14 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act i.
Shallow
Ay, there's the point, sir.
Evans
Marry, is it; the very point of it; to Mistress Anne
Page.
Slender
Why, if it be so, I will marry her upon any reasonable
demands.
Evans
But can you affection the 'oman ? Let us command to
know that of your mouth or of your lips; for divers
philosophers hold that the lips is parcel of the mouth.
Therefore, precisely, can you carry your good will to the
maid?
Shallow
Cousin Abraham Slender, can you love her?
Slender
I -hope, sir, I will do as it shall become one that would
do reason.
Evans
Nay, Got's lords and his ladies ! you must speak possi-
table, if you can carry her your desires towards her.
Shallow
That you must. Will you, upon good dowry, marry
her? '
The Book of Riddles
sc. i. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 15
Slender
I will do a greater thing than that, upon your request,
cousin, in any reason.
Shallow
Nay, conceive me, conceive me, sweet coz : what I do is
to pleasure you, coz. Can you love the maid ?
Slender
I will marry her, sir, at your request : but if there be no
great love in the beginning, yet heaven may decrease it
upon better acquaintance, when we are married and
have more occasion to know one another ; I hope, upon
familiarity will grow more contempt : but if you say,
'Marry her,' I will marry her; that I am freely dis-
solved, and dissolutely.
Evans
It is a fery discretion answer; save the fall is in the ort
•dissolutely:' the ort is, according to our meaning,
' resolutely : ' his meaning is good.
Shallow
Ay, I think my cousin meant well.
Slender
Ay, or else I would I might be hanged, la !
Shallow
Here comes fair Mistress Anne.
16 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act i.
Re-enter Anne Page
Would I were young for your sake, Mistress Anne !
Anne
The dinner is on the table ; my father desires your
worships' company.
Shallow
I will wait on him, fair Mistress Anne.
Evans
Od's plessed will ! I will not be absence at the grace.
[Exeunt Shallow and Evans.
Anne
Will't please your worship to come in, sir ?
Slender
No, I thank you, forsooth, heartily ; I am very well.
Anne
The dinner attends you, sir.
Slender
I am not a-hungry, I thank you, forsooth. Go, sirrah,
for all you are my man, go wait upon my cousin
Shallow. [Exit Simple.] A justice of peace sometimes
may be beholding to his friend for a man. I keep but
/ am not -a hungry \ I thank you "
sc. i. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 17
three men and a boy yet, till my mother be dead : but
what though ? yet I live like a poor gentleman born.
Anne
I may not go in without your worship : they will not sit
till you come.
Slender
I' faith, I'll eat nothing; I thank you as much as though
I did.
Anne
I pray you, sir, walk in.
Slender
I had rather walk here, I thank you. I bruised my
shin th' other day with playing at sword and dagger
with a master of fence; three veneys for a dish of
stewed prunes; and, by my troth, I cannot abide the
smell of hot meat since. Why do your dogs bark so ?
be there bears i' the town ?
Anne
I think there are, sir; I heard them talked of.
Slender
I love the sport well ; but I shall as soon quarrel at it
as any man in England. You are afraid, if you see
the bear loose, are you not ?
Anne
Ay, indeed, sir.
1 8 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act i.
Slender
That's meat and drink to me, now. I have seen
Sackerson loose twenty times, and have taken him by
the chain ; but, I warrant you, the women have so cried
and shrieked at it, that it passed : but women, indeed,
cannot abide 'em ; they are very ill-favoured rough
things.
Re-enter Page
Page
Come, gentle Master Slender, come ; we stay for you.
Slender
I'll eat nothing, I thank you, sir.
Page
By cock and pie, you shall not choose, sir ! come,
come.
Slender
Nay, pray you, lead the way.
Page
Come on, sir.
Slender
Mistress Anne, yourself shall go first.
Anne
Not I, sir ; pray you, keep on.
Whydoyom di f be there bears
i the town f "
sc. ii. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 19
Slender
Truly, I will not go first ; truly, la ! I will not do you
that wrong.
Anne
I pray you, sir.
Slender
I'll rather be unmannerly than troublesome. You do
yourself wrong, indeed, la 1 [Exeunt.
Scene II
The same
Enter Sir Hugh Evans and Simple
Evans
Go your ways, and ask of Doctor Caius's house which is
the way : and there dwells one Mistress Quickly, which
is in the manner of his nurse, or his dry nurse, or his
cook, or his laundry, his washer, and his wringer.
Simple
Well, sir.
Evans
Nay, it is petter yet. Give her this letter ; for it is a
'oman that altogether's acquaintance with Mistress
20 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act i.
Anne Page : and the letter is, to desire and require
her to solicit your master's desires to Mistress Anne
Page. I pray you, be gone : I will make an end of my
dinner; there's pippins and cheese to come. [Exeunt.
Scene III
A room in the Garter Inn
Enter Falstaff, Host, Bardolph, Nym, Pistol,
and Robin
Falstaff
Mine host of the Garter !
Host
What says my bully-rook ? speak scholarly and wisely.
Falstaff
Truly, mine host, I must turn away some of my
followers.
Host
Discard, bully Hercules; cashier: let them wag; trot,
trot.
Falstaff
I sit at ten pounds a week.
£i
*" There s pippins and cheese to come "
sc. in. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 21
Host
Thou'rt an emperor, Caesar, Keisar, and Pheezar. I
will entertain Bardolph; he shall draw, he shall tap:
said I well, bully Hector?
Falstaff
Do so, good mine host.
Host
I have spoke; let him follow. [To Bardolph] Let me see
thee froth and lime : I am at a word ; follow. [Exit.
Falstaff
Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good trade: an
old cloak makes a new jerkin; a withered serving-
man a fresh tapster. Go ; adieu.
Bardolph
It is a life that I have desired : I will thrive.
Pistol
base Hungarian wight 1 wilt thou the spigot wield ?
[Exit Bardolph.
Nym
He was gotten in drink : is not the humour conceited ?
Falstaff
1 am glad I am so acquit of this tinder-box : his thefts
were too open ; his filching was like an unskilful singer ;
he kept not time.
22 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act i.
Nym
The good humour is to steal at a minute's rest.
Pistol
' Convey,' the wise it call. ' Steal ! ' foh ! a fico for the
phrase !
Falstaff
Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels.
Pistol
Why, then, let kibes ensue.
Falstaff
There is no remedy; I must cony-catch; I must shift.
Pistol
Young ravens must have food.
Falstaff
Which of you know Ford of this town ?
Pistol
I ken the wight : he is of substance good.
Falstaff
My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about.
Pistol
Two yards, and more.
Enter Falstafft Pistol, Nym and Bardolph"
sc. in. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 23
Falstaff
No quips now, Pistol ! Indeed, I am in the waist two
yards about; but I am now about no waste; I am
about thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to Ford's
wife: I spy entertainment in her; she discourses, she
carves, she gives the leer of invitation : I can construe
the action of her familiar style ; and the hardest voice
of her behaviour, to be Englished rightly, is, ' I am Sir
John Falstaff's.'
Pistol
He hath studied her will, and translated her will, out of
honesty into English.
Nym
The anchor is deep : will that humour pass ?
Falstaff
Now, the report goes she has all the rule of her
husband's purse ; he hath a legion of angels.
Pistol
As many devils entertain; and 'To her, boy,' say I.
Nym
The humour rises ; it is good : humour me the angels.
Falstaff
I have writ me here a letter to her: and here another
to Page's wife, who even now gave me good eyes too,
24 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act i.
examined my parts with most judicious ceillades ; some-
times the beam of her view gilded my foot, sometimes
my portly belly.
Pistol
Then did the sun on dunghill shine.
Nym
I thank thee for that humour.
Falstaff
O, she did so course o'er my exteriors with such a
greedy intention, that the appetite of her eye did seem
to scorch me up like a burning-glass ! Here's another
letter to her : she bears the purse too ; she is a region
in Guiana, all gold and bounty. I will be cheater to
them both, and they shall be exchequers to me; they
shall be my East and West Indies, and I will trade to
them both. Go bear thou this letter to Mistress Page ;
and thou this to Mistress Ford : we will thrive, lads, we
will thrive.
Pistol
Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become,
And by my side wear steel ? then, Lucifer take all !
Nym
I will run no base humour: here, take the humour-
letter : I will keep the haviour of reputation.
This letter to Mistress Page and thor. this
to Mistress Ford '
sc. in. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 25
Falstaff
\To Robin] Hold, sirrah, bear you these letters tightly ;
Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores.
Rogues, hence, avaunt ! vanish like hailstones, go ;
Trudge, plod away o' the hoof ; seek shelter, pack !
Falstaff will learn the humour of the age,
French thrift, you rogues; myself and skirted page.
\Exeunt Falstaff and Robin.
Pistol
Let vultures gripe thy guts! for gourd and fullam
holds,
And high and low beguiles the rich and poor :
Tester I'll have in pouch when thou shalt lack,
Base Phrygian Turk !
Nym
I have operations which be humours of revenge.
Pistol
Wilt thou revenge?
Nym
By welkin and her star !
Pistol
With wit or steel ?
Nym
With both the humours, I :
I will discuss the humour of this love to Page.
26 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act i.
Pistol
And I to Ford shall eke unfold,
How Falstaff, varlet vile,
His dove will prove, his gold will hold,
And his soft couch defile.
Nym
My humour shall not cool : I will incense Page to deal
with poison ; I will possess him with yellowness, for the
revolt of mine is dangerous : that is my true humour.
Pistol
Thou art the Mars of malecontents : I second thee;
troop on. [Exeunt.
Scene IV
A room in Doctor Caius's house
Enter Mistress Quickly, Simple, and Rugby
Quickly
What, John Rugby 1 I pray thee, go to the casement,
and see if you can see my master, Master Doctor Caius,
coming. If he do, i' faith, and find any body in the
Exeunt I'alstaff and Rodin "
sc. iv. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 27
house, here will be an old abusing of God's patience
and the king's English.
Rugby
I'll go watch.
Quickly
Go, and we'll have a posset for 't soon at night, in faith,
at the latter end of a sea-coal fire. [Exit Rugby.] An
honest, willing, kind fellow, as ever servant shall come
in house withal, and, I warrant you, no tell-tale nor no
breed-bate : his worst fault is, that he is given to prayer ;
he is something peevish that way : but nobody but has
his fault; but let that pass. Peter Simple, you say
your name is ?
Simple
Ay, for fault of a better.
Quickly
And Master Slender's your master ?
Simple
Ay, forsooth.
Quickly
Does he not wear a great round beard, like a glover's
paring-knife ?
Simple
No, forsooth: he hath but a little wee face, with a little
yellow beard, a Cain-coloured beard.
Quickly
A softly-sprighted man, is he not?
28 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act i.
Simple
Ay, forsooth : but he is as tall a man of his hands as
any is between this and his head ; he hath fought with
a warrener.
Quickly
How say you ? O, I should remember him : does he
not hold up his head, as it were, and strut in his gait ?
Simple
Yes, indeed, does he.
Quickly
Well, heaven send Anne Page no worse fortune ! Tell
Master Parson Evans I will do what I can for your
master : Anne is a good girl, and I wish
Re-enter Rugby
Rugby
Out, alas ! here comes my master.
Quickly
We shall all be shent. Run in here, good young man ;
go into this closet : he will not stay long. [Shuts Simple
in the closet.'] What, John Rugby ! John ! what, John,
I say! Go, John, go inquire for my master; I doubt
he be not well, that he comes not home.
[Singing] And down, down, adown-a, &c.
" Does he not hold up his head, as it war f
and strut in his gait t "
sc. iv. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 29
Enter Doctor Caius
Caius
Vat is you sing ? I do not like des toys. Pray you,
go and vetch me in my closet un boitier vert, a box,
a green-a box : do intend vat I speak ? a green-a box.
Quickly
Ay, forsooth; I'll fetch it you. [Aside] I am glad he
went not in himself: if he had found the young man,
he would have been horn-mad.
Caius
Fe, fe, fe, fe 1 ma foi, il fait fort chaud. Je m'en vais
a la cour — la grande affaire.
Quickly
Is it this, sir ?
Caius
Oui ; mette le au mon pocket : depeche, quickly. Vere
is dat knave Rugby ?
Quickly
What, John Rugby ! John 1
Rugby
Here, sir !
Caius
You are John Rugby, and you are Jack Rugby. Come,
take-a your rapier, and come after my heel to the court.
30 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act i.
Rugby
'Tis ready, sir, here in the porch.
Caius
By my trot, I tarry too long. Od's me ! Qu'ai-j'oublie !
dere is some simples in my closet, dat I vill not for the
varld I shall leave behind.
Quickly
Ay me, he'll find the young man there, and be mad !
Caius
diable, diable! vat is in my closet? Villain! larron!
[Pulling Simple out.'] Rugby, my rapier !
Quickly
Good master, be content.
Caius
Wherefore shall I be content-a?
Quickly
The young man is an honest man.
Caius
What shall de honest man do in my closet? dere is no
honest man dat shall come in my closet.
Quickly
1 beseech you, be not so phlegmatic. Hear the truth of
it : he came of an errand to me from Parson Hugh,
Villain ! larron ! " [Pulling Simple out]
sc. iv. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 31
Caius
Veil.
Simple
Ay, forsooth ; to desire her to —
Quickly
Peace, I pray you.
Caius
Peace-a your tongue. Speak-a your tale.
Simple
To desire this honest gentlewoman, your maid, to speak
a good word to Mistress Anne Page for my master in
the way of marriage.
Quickly
This is all, indeed, la ! but I'll ne'er put my ringer in
the fire, and need not.
Caius
Sir Hugh send-a you? Rugby, bailie me some paper.
Tarry you a little a- while. [ Writes.
Quickly
[Aside to Simple] I am glad he is so quiet : if he had
been throughly moved, you should have heard him
so loud and so melancholy. But notwithstanding, man,
I'll do you your master what good I can : and the very
yea and the no is, the French doctor, my master, —
32 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act i.
I may call him my master, look you, for I keep his
house ; and I wash, wring, brew, bake, scour, dress meat
and drink, make the beds, and do all myself, —
Simple
[Aside to Quickly] 'Tis a great charge to come under
one body's hand.
Quickly
[Aside to Simple] Are you avised o' that? you shall
find it a great charge: and to be up early and down
late; but notwithstanding, — to tell you in your ear; I
would have no words of it, — my master himself is in
love with Mistress Anne Page: but notwithstanding
that, I know Anne's mind, — that's neither here nor
there.
Caius
You jack'nape, give-a this letter to Sir Hugh ; by gar, it is
a shallenge : I will cut his troat in de park ; and I will
teach a scurvy jack-a-nape priest to meddle or make.
You may be gone ; it is not good you tarry here. By
gar, I will cut all his two stones; by gar, he shall not
have a stone to throw at his dog. [Exit Simple.
Quickly
Alas, he speaks but for his friend.
Caius
It is no matter-a ver dat : do not you tell-a me dat
I shall have Anne Page for myself? By gar, I vill kill
de Jack priest; and I have appointed mine host of de
//. wring and do all myself "
sc. iv. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 33
Jarteer to measure our weapon. By gar, I will myself
have Anne Page.
Quickly
Sir, the maid loves you, and all shall be well. We
must give folks leave to prate : what, the good-jer 1
Caius
Rugby, come to the court with me. By gar, if I have
not Anne Page, I shall turn your head out of my door.
Follow my heels, Rugby. [Exeunt Caius and Rugby.
Quickly
You shall have An fool's-head of your own. No, I
know Anne's mind for that : never a woman in Windsor
knows more of Anne's mind than I do; nor can do
more than I do with her, I thank heaven.
Fenton
\Within\ Who's within there? oh!
Quickly
Who's there, I trow! Come near the house, I pray
you.
Enter Fenton
Fenton
How now, good woman ! how dost thou ?
Quickly
The better that it pleases your good worship to ask.
34 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act i.
Fenton
What news ? how does pretty Mistress Anne ?
Quickly
In truth, sir, and she is pretty, and honest, and gentle;
and one that is your friend, I can tell you that by the
way; I pray heaven for it.
Fenton
Shall I do any good, thinkest thou? shall I not lose my
suit?
Quickly
Troth, sir, all is in his hands above: but notwith-
standing, Master Fenton, I'll be sworn on a book, she
loves you. Have not your worship a wart above your
eye?
Fenton
Yes, marry, have I ; what of that ?
Quickly
Well, thereby hangs a tale: good faith, it is such
another Nan; but, I detest, an honest maid as ever
broke bread : we had an hour's talk of that wart.
I shall never laugh but in that maid's company ! But
indeed she is given too much to allicholy and musing :
but for you — well, go to.
Fenton
Well, I shall see her to-day. Hold, there's money for
" Have not your worship a wart above your eye ? "
SC. IV.
MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR
35
thee; let me have thy voice in my behalf: if thou
seest her before me, commend me.
Quickly
Will I? i' faith, that we will; and I will tell your
worship more of the wart the next time we have confi-
dence ; and of other wooers.
Fenton
Well, farewell ; I am in great haste now.
Quickly
Farewell to your worship. [Exit Fenton.] Truly, an
honest gentleman : but Anne loves him not ; for I know
Anne's mind as well as another does. Out upon 't I
what have I forgot? [Exit.
£,§» ViJC^^V?^^^^,^
»w*ss
Scene I
Before Page's house
Enter Mistress Page, with a letter
Mrs. Page
What, have I 'scaped love-letters in the holiday-time of
my beauty, and am I now a subject for them ? Let me
see. [Reads.
' Ask me no reason why I love you ; for though Love
use Reason for his physician, he admits him not for his
counsellor. You are not young, no more am I ; go to
then, there's sympathy : you are merry, so am I ; ha, ha !
37
38 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act ii.
then there 's more sympathy : you love sack, and so do I ;
would you desii'e better sympathy ? Let it suffice thee,
Mistress Page, — at the least, if the love of soldier can
suffice — that I love thee. I will not say, pity me ; 'tis
not a soldier-like phrase : but I say love me. By me,
Thine own true knight,
By day or night,
Or any kind of light,
With all his might
For thee to fight, John Falstaff '
What a Herod of Jewry is this ! O wicked, wicked
world ! One that is well-nigh worn to pieces with age
to show himself a young gallant ! What an unweighed
behaviour hath this Flemish drunkard picked — with
the devil's name ! — out of my conversation, that he
dares in this manner assay me? Why, he hath not
been thrice in my company! What should I say to
him? I was then frugal of my mirth: Heaven forgive
me ! Why, I'll exhibit a bill in the parliament for the
putting down of men. How shall I be revenged on
him? for revenged I will be, as sure as his guts are
made of puddings.
Enter Mistress Ford
Mrs. Ford
Mistress Page ! trust me, I was going to your house.
sc. i. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 39
Mrs. Page
And, trust me, I was coming to you. You look very
ill.
Mrs. Ford
Nay, I'll ne'er believe that; I have to show to the
contrary.
Mrs. Page
Faith, but you do, in my mind.
Mrs. Ford
Well, I do then; yet I say I could show you to the
contrary. O Mistress Page, give me some counsel 1
Mrs. Page
What's the matter, woman ?
Mrs. Ford
woman, if it were not for one trifling respect, I could
come to such honour !
Mrs. Page
Hang the trifle, woman ! take the honour. What is it ?
dispense with trifles ; what is it ?
Mrs. Ford
If I would but go to hell for an eternal moment or so,
1 could be knighted.
Mrs. Page
What? thou liest 1 Sir Alice Ford ! These knights will
hack ; and so thou shouldst not alter the article of thy
gentry.
40 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act ii.
Mrs. Ford
We burn daylight : here, read, read ; perceive how I
might be knighted. I shall think the worse of fat men,
as long as I have an eye to make difference of men's
liking : and yet he would not swear ; praised women's
modesty ; and gave such orderly and well-behaved
reproof to all uncomeliness, that I would have sworn
his disposition would have gone to the truth of his
words ; but they do no more adhere and keep place
together than the Hundredth Psalm to the tune of ' Green
Sleeves.' What tempest, I trow, threw this whale,
with so many tuns of oil in his belly, ashore at Windsor ?
How shall I be revenged on him ? I think the best
way were to entertain him with hope, till the wicked fire
of lust have melted him in his own grease. Did you
ever hear the like?
Mrs. Page
Letter for letter, but that the name of Page and Ford
differs ! To thy great comfort in this mystery of ill
opinions, here's the twin-brother of thy letter : but let
thine inherit first; for, I protest, mine never shall. I
warrant he hath a thousand of these letters, writ with
blank space for different names, — sure, more, — and
these are of the second edition : he will print them, out
of doubt ; for he cares not what he puts into the press,
when he would put us two. I had rather be a giantess,
and lie under Mount Pelion. Well, I will find you
twenty lascivious turtles ere one chaste man.
Heres the twin brother of thy letter 9
sc. i. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 41
Mrs. Ford
Why, this is the very same ; the very hand, the very
words. What doth he think of us ?
Mrs. Page
Nay, I know not : it makes me almost ready to wrangle
with mine own honesty. I'll entertain myself like one
that I am not acquainted withal ; for, sure, unless he
know some strain in me, that I know not myself, he
would never have boarded me in this fury.
Mrs. Ford
1 Boarding,' call you it ? I'll be sure to keep him above
deck.
Mrs. Page
So will I : if he come under my hatches, I'll never to
sea again. Let's be revenged on him : let's appoint him
a meeting; give him a show of comfort in his suit and
lead him on with a fine-baited delay, till he hath pawned
his horses to mine host of the Garter.
Mrs. Ford
Nay, I will consent to act any villany against him, that
may not sully the chariness of our honesty. O, that
my husband saw this letter 1 it would give eternal food
to his jealousy.
Mrs. Page
Why, look where he comes; and my good man too:
he's as far from jealousy as I am from giving him
cause ; and that I hope is an unmeasurable distance.
44 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act ii.
Page
I never heard such a drawling, affecting rogue.
Ford
If I do find it : well.
Page
I will not believe such a Cataian, though the priest o'
the town commended him for a true man.
Ford
'Twas a good sensible fellow : well.
Page
How now, Meg !
[Mrs. Page and Mrs. Ford come forward.
Mrs Page
Whither go you, George? Hark you.
Mrs. Ford
How now, sweet Frank ! why art thou melancholy ?
Ford
I melancholy! I am not melancholy. Get you home,
g°-
Mrs. Ford
Faith, thou hast some crotchets in thy head. Now,
will you go, Mistress Page ?
" Go in "with us, and see
sc. i. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 45
Mrs. Page
Have with you. You'll come to -dinner, George.
[Aside to Mrs. Ford] Look who comes yonder : she
shall be our messenger to this paltry knight.
Mrs. Ford
[Aside to Mrs. Page] Trust me, I thought on her:
she'll fit it.
Enter Mistress Quickly
Mrs. Page
You are come to see my daughter Anne?
Quickly
Ay, forsooth; and, I pray, how does good Mistress
Anne?
Mrs. Page
Go in with us and see : we have an hour's talk with
you.
[Exeunt Mrs. Page, Mrs. Ford, and Mrs. Quickly.
Page
How now, Master Ford 1
Ford
You heard what this knave told me, did you not?
Page
Yes : and you heard what the other told me ?
46 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act ii.
Ford
Do you think there is truth in them ?
Page
Hang 'em, slaves ! I do not think the knight would
offer it : but these that accuse him in his intent towards
our wives are a yoke of his discarded men, very rogues,
now they be out of service.
Ford
Were they his men ?
Page
Marry, were they.
Ford
I like it never the better for that. Does he lie at the
Garter ?
Page
Ay, marry, does he. If he should intend this voyage
towards my wife, I would turn her loose to him ; and
what he gets more of her than sharp words, let it lie
on my head.
Ford
I do not misdoubt my wife ; but I would be loath to
turn them together. A man may be too confident : I
would have nothing lie on my head : I cannot be thus
satisfied.
Page
Look where my ranting host of the Garter comes ;
there is either liquor in his pate or money in his purse
when he looks so merrily.
sc. I. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 47
Enter Host
How now, mine host !
Host
How now, bully-rook ! thou'rt a gentleman. Cavaleiro-
justice, I say!
Enter Shallow
Shallow
I follow, mine host, I follow. Good even and twenty,
good Master Page! Master Page, will you go with
us? we have sport in hand.
Host
Tell him, cavaleiro-justice ; tell him, bully-rook.
Shallow
Sir, there is a fray to be fought between Sir Hugh the
Welsh priest and Caius the French doctor.
Ford
Good mine host o' the Garter, a word with you.
[Drawing him aside.
Host
What sayest thou, my bully-rook ?
Shallow
[To Page] Will you go with us to behold it? My
merry host hath had the measuring of their weapons ;
48 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act ii.
and, I think, hath appointed them contrary places ; for,
believe me, I hear the parson is no jester. Hark ! I
will tell you what our sport shall be.
\They converse apai't.
Host
Hast thou no suit against my knight, my guest-cavaleire ?
Ford
None, I protest: but I'll give you a pottle of burnt
sack to give me recourse to him and tell him my name
is Brook ; only for a jest.
Host
My hand, bully ; thou shalt have egress and regress ;
— said I well ? — and thy name shall be Brook. It is a
merry knight. Will you go, An-heires ?
Shallow
Have with you, mine host.
Page
I have heard the Frenchman hath good skill in his
rapier.
Shallow
Tut, sir, I could have told you more. In these times
vou stand on distance, your passes, stoccadoes, and I
know not what: 'tis the heart, Master Page; 'tis here,
'tis here. I have seen the time, with my long sword I
would have made you four tall fellows skip like rats.
" How How, sweet Frank! zvky art thou
melancholy ? "
sc. ii. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 49
Host
Here, boys, here, here ! shall we wag ?
Page
Have with you. I had rather hear them scold than
fight. \Exettnt Host, Shallow, and Page.
Ford
Though Page be a secure fool, and stands so firmly on
his wife's frailty, yet I cannot put off my opinion so
easily : she was in his company at Page's house ; and
what they made there, I know not. Well, I will look
further into 't : and I have a disguise to sound Falstafif.
If I find her honest, I lose not my labour; if she be
otherwise, 'tis labour well bestowed. [Exit.
Scene II
A room in the Garter Inn
Enter Falstaff and Pistol
Falstaff
I will not lend thee a penny.
Pistol
Why, then the world's mine oyster,
Which I with sword will open.
50 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act ii.
Falstaff
Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you should lay
my countenance to pawn : I have grated upon my
good friends for three reprieves for you and your coach-
fellow Nym ; or else you had looked through the
grate, like a geminy of baboons. I am damned in hell
for swearing to gentlemen my friends, you were good
soldiers and tall fellows ; and when Mrs. Bridget lost
the handle of her fan, I took 't upon mine honour thou
hadst it not.
Pistol
Didst not thou share ? hadst thou not fifteen pence ?
Falstaff
Reason, you rogue, reason : thinkest thou I'll endanger
my soul gratis ? At a word, hang no more about me,
I am no gibbet for you. Go. A short knife and a
throng ! To your manor of Pickthatch ! Go. You'll
not bear a letter for me, you rogue ! you stand upon
your honour. Why, thou unconfinable baseness, it is as
much as I can do to keep the terms of my honour
precise : I, I, I myself sometimes, leaving the fear of
God on the left hand and hiding mine honour in my
necessity, am fain to shuffle, to hedge and to lurch ;
and yet you, rogue, will ensconce your rags, your cat-a-
mountain looks, your red-lattice phrases, and your bold-
beating oaths, under the shelter of your honour ! You
will not do it, you !
u When Mrs. Bridget lost the handle of her fan
sc. ii. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 51
Pistol
I do relent : what would thou more of man ?
Enter Robin
Robin
Sir, here's a woman would speak with you.
Falstaff
Let her approach.
Enter Mistress Quickly
Quickly
Give your worship good morrow.
Falstaff
Good morrow, good wife.
Quickly
Not so, an 't please your worship.
Falstaff
Good maid, then.
Quickly
I'll be sworn,
As my mother was, the first hour I was born.
Falstaff
I do believe the swearer. What with me ?
52 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act ii.
Quickly
Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or two ?
Falstaff
Two thousand, fair woman : and I'll vouchsafe thee
the hearing.
Quickly
There is one Mistress Ford, sir : — I pray, come a little
nearer this ways : — I myself dwell with Master Doctor
Caius, —
Falstaff
Well, on : Mistress Ford, you say, —
Quickly
Your worship says very true: I pray your worship,
come a little nearer this ways.
Falstaff
I warrant thee, nobody hears ; mine own people, mine
own people.
Quickly
Are they so ? God bless them and make them his
servants !
Falstaff
Well, Mistress Ford; what of her?
Quickly
Why, sir, she's a good creature. Lord, Lord ! your
worship's a wanton ! Well, heaven forgive you and all
of us, I pray !
sc. ii. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 53
Falstaff
Mistress Ford; come, Mistress Ford, —
Quickly
Marry, this is the short and the long of it ; you have
brought her into such a canaries as 'tis wonderful. The
best courtier of them all, when the court lay at
Windsor, could never have brought her to such a
canary. Yet there has been knights, and lords, and
gentlemen, with their coaches, I warrant you, coach
after coach, letter after letter, gift after gift ; smelling
so sweetly, all musk, and so rushling, I warrant you, in
silk and gold ; and in such alligant terms ; and in such
wine and sugar of the best and the fairest, that would
have won any woman's heart ; and, I warrant you, they
could never get an eye-wink of her: I had myself
twenty angels given me this morning; but I defy all
angels, in any such sort, as they say, but in the way of
honesty : and, I warrant you, they could never get her
so much as sip on a cup with the proudest of them all :
and yet there has been earls, nay, which is more,
pensioners ; but, I warrant you, all is one with her.
Falstaff
But what says she to me; be brief, my good she-
Mercury.
Quickly
Marry, she hath received your letter, for the which she
thanks you a thousand times; and she gives you to
54 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act ii.
notify that her husband will be absence from his house
between ten and eleven.
Falstaff
Ten and eleven?
Quickly
Ay, forsooth; and then you may come and see the
picture, she says, that you wot of: Master Ford, her
husband, will be from home. Alas! the sweet woman
leads an ill life with him : he's a very jealousy man :
she leads a very frampold life with him, good heart.
Falstaff
Ten and eleven. Woman, commend me to her; I will
not fail her.
Quickly
Why, you say well. But I have another messenger to
your worship. Mistress Page hath her hearty com-
mendations to you too : and let me tell you in your ear,
she's as fartuous a civil modest wife, and one, I tell you,
that will not miss you morning nor evening prayer, as
any is in Windsor, whoe'er be the other : and she bade
me tell your worship that her husband is seldom from
home; but she hopes there will come a time. I never
knew a woman so dote upon a man : surely I think you
have charms, la ; yes, in truth.
Falstaff
Not I, I assure thee: setting the attraction of my good
parts aside I have no other charms.
■ ••.'la.
Marry, this u the short and the long of u
sc. ii. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 55
Quickly
Blessing on your heart for 't !
Falstaff
But, I pray thee tell me this: has Ford's wife and
Page's wife acquainted each other how they love me?
Quickly
That were a jest indeed ! they have not so little grace, I
hope : that were a trick indeed ! But Mistress Page
would desire you to send her your little page, of all
loves: her husband has a marvellous infection to the
little page; and truly Master Page is an honest man.
Never a wife in Windsor leads a better life than she
does : do what she will, say what she will, take all, pay
all, go to bed when she list, rise when she list, all is as
she will: and truly she deserves it; for if there be a
kind woman in Windsor, she is one. You must send
her your page ; no remedy.
Falstaff
Why, I will.
Quickly
Nay, but do so, then : and, look you, he may come and
go between you both ; and in any case have a nay- word,
that you may know one another's mind ; and the boy
never need to understand any thing ; for 'tis not good
that children should know any wickedness: old folks,
you know, have discretion, as they say, and know the
world.
56 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act ii.
Falstaff
Fare thee well : commend me to them both : there's my
purse ; I am yet thy debtor. Boy, go along with this
woman. [Exeunt Mistress Quickly and Robin.]
This news distracts me!
Pistol
This punk is one of Cupid's carriers :
Clap on more sails ; pursue ; up with your fights :
Give fire : she is my prize, or ocean whelm them all !
[Exit.
Falstaff
Sayest thou so, old Jack? go thy ways; I'll make more
of thy old body than I have done. Will they yet look
after thee? Wilt thou, after the expense of so much
money, be now a gainer? Good body, I thank thee.
Let them say 'tis grossly done ; so it be fairly done, no
matter.
Enter Bardolph
Bardolph
Sir John, there's one Master Brook below would fain
speak with you, and be acquainted with you ; and hath
sent your worship a morning's draught of sack.
Falstaff
Brook is his name?
sc. ii. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 57
Bardolph
Ay, sir.
Falstaff
Call him in. [Exit Bardolph.] Such Brooks are
welcome to me, that o'erflow such liquor. Ah, hal
Mistress Ford and Mistress Page, have I encompassed
you ? go to ; via !
Re-enter Bardolph, with Ford disguised
Ford
Bless you, sir !
Falstaff
And you, sir ! would you speak with me?
Ford
I make bold to press with so little preparation upon
you.
Falstaff
You're welcome. What's your will? Give us leave,
drawer. [Exit Bardolph.
Ford
Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much : my name
is Brook.
Falstaff
Good Master Brook, I desire more acquaintance of you.
Ford
Good Sir John, I sue for yours : not to charge you ; for
I must let you understand I think myself in better
58 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act ii.
plight for a lender than you are : the which hath some-
thing emboldened me to this unseasoned intrusion ; for
they say, if money go before, all ways do lie open.
Falstaff
Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on.
Ford
Troth, and I have a bag of money here troubles me : if
you will help to bear it, Sir John, take all, or half, for
easing me of the carriage.
Falstaff
Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your porter.
Ford
I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the hearing.
Falstaff
Speak, good Master Brook : I shall be glad to be your
servant.
Ford
Sir, I hear you are a scholar, — I will be brief with
you, — and you have been a man long known to me,
though I had never so good means, as desire, to make
myself acquainted with you. I shall discover a thing
to you, wherein I must very much lay open mine own
imperfection : but, good Sir John, as you have one eye
upon my follies, as you hear them unfolded, turn another
sc. ii. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 59
into the register of your own ; that I may pass with a
reproof the easier, sith you yourself know how easy it is
to be such an offender.
Falstaff
Very well, sir ; proceed.
Ford
There is a gentlewoman in this town ; her husband's
name is Ford.
Falstaff
Well, sir.
Ford
I have long loved her, and I protest to you, bestowed
much on her; followed her with a doting observance;
engrossed opportunities to meet her ; fee'd every slight
occasion that could but niggardly give me sight of her;
not only bought many presents to give her, but have
given largely to many to know what she would have
given ; briefly, I have pursued her as love hath pursued
me ; which hath been on the wing of all occasions. But
whatsoever I have merited, either in my mind or in my
means, meed, I am sure, I have received none; unless
experience be a jewel that I have purchased at an
infinite rate, and that hath taught me to say this :
4 Love like a shadow flies when substance love pursues ;
Pursuing that that flies \ and flying what pursues*
60 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act ii.
Falstaff
Have you received no promise of satisfaction at her
hands ?.
Ford
Never.
Falstaff
Have you importuned her to such a purpose ?
Ford
Never.
Falstaff
Of what quality was your love, then ?
Ford
Like a fair house built on another man's ground ; so
that I have lost my edifice by mistaking the place where
I erected it.
Falstaff
To what purpose have you unfolded this to me?
Ford
When I have told you that, I have told you all. Some
say that though she appear honest to me, yet in other
places she enlargeth her mirth so far that there is
shrewd construction made of her. Now, Sir John, here
is the heart of my purpose: you are a gentleman of
excellent breeding, admirable discourse, of great ad-
mittance, authentic in your place and person, generally
allowed for your many war-like, court-like, and learned
preparations.
sc. ii. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 61
Falstaff
O, sir !
Ford
Believe it, for you know it. There is money ; spend it,
spend it ; spend more; spend all I have ; only give me
so much of your time in exchange of it, as to lay an
amiable siege to the honesty of this Ford's wife : use
your art of wooing ; win her to consent to you : if any
man may, you may as soon as any.
Falstaff
Would it apply well to the vehemency of your affection,
that I should win what you would enjoy ? Methinks
you prescribe to yourself very preposterously.
Ford
O, understand my drift. She dwells so securely on the
excellency of her honour, that the folly of my soul dares
not present itself: she is too bright to be looked
against. Now, could I come to her with any detection
in my hand, my desires had instance and argument to
commend themselves : I could drive her then from the
ward of her purity, her reputation, her marriage-vow,
and a thousand other her defences, which now are too
too strongly embattled against me. What say you to 't,
Sir John ?
Falstaff
Master Brook, I will first make bold with your money;
62 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act ii.
next, give me your hand ; and last, as I am a gentleman,
you shall, if you will, enjoy Ford's wife.
Ford
good sir!
Falstaff
1 say you shall.
Ford
Want no money, Sir John ; you shall want none.
Falstaff
Want no mistress Ford, Master Brook ; you shall want
none. I shall be with her, I may tell you, by her own
appointment ; even as you came in to me, her assistant
or go-between parted from me. I say I shall be with
her between ten and eleven ; for at that time the jealous
rascally knave her husband will be forth. Come you
to me at night ; you shall know how I speed.
Ford
I am blest in your acquaintance. Do you know Ford,
sir?
Falstaff
Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave ! I know him not :
yet I wrong him to call him poor; they say the jealous
wittolly knave hath masses of money; for the which his
wife seems to me well-favoured. I will use her as the
key of the cuckoldly rogue's coffer ; and there's my
harvest-home.
sc. ii. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 63
Ford
I would you knew Ford, sir, that you might avoid him
if you saw him.
Falstaff
Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue ! I will stare
him out of his wits ; I will awe him with my cudgel :
it shall hang like a meteor o'er the cuckold's horns.
Master Brook, thou shalt know I will predominate over
the peasant, and thou shalt lie with his wife. Come to
me soon at night. Ford's a knave, and I will aggravate
his style; thou, Master Brook, shalt know him for knave
and cuckold. Come to me soon at night. [Exit.
Ford
What a damned Epicurean rascal is this ! My heart is
ready to crack with impatience. Who says this is
improvident jealousy? my wife hath sent to him ; the
hour is fixed ; the match is made. Would any man
have thought this ? See the hell of having a false
woman! My bed shall be abused, my coffers ransacked,
my reputation gnawn at; and I shall not only receive
this villanous wrong, but stand under the adoption of
abominable terms, and by him that does me this wrong.
Terms 1 names ! Amaimon sounds well ; Lucifer,
well ; Barbason, well ; yet they are devils' additions, the
names of fiends : but Cuckold ! Wittol ! — Cuckold ! the
devil himself hath not such a name. Page is an ass, a
secure ass : he will trust his wife ; he will not be
64 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act ii.
jealous. I will rather trust a Fleming with my butter,
Parson Hugh the Welshman with my cheese, an Irish-
man with my aqua-vitae bottle, or a thief to walk my
ambling gelding, than my wife with herself : then she
plots, then she ruminates, then she devises; and what
they think in their hearts they may effect, they will
break their hearts but they will effect. God be praised
for my jealousy ! Eleven o'clock the hour. I will
prevent this, detect my wife, be revenged on Falstaff,
and laugh at Page. I will about it ; better three hours
too soon than a minute too late. Fie, fie, fie ! cuckold !
cuckold ! cuckold ! [Exit.
Scene III
A field near Windsor
Enter Caius and Rugby
Caius
Jack Rugby!
Rugby
Sir?
Caius
Vat is de clock, Jack ?
Rugby
'Tis past the hour, sir, that Sir Hugh promised to
meet.
sc. in. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 65
Caius
By gar, he has save his soul, dat he is no come ; he has
pray his Pible well, dat he is no come : by gar, Jack
Rugby, he is dead already, if he be come.
Rugby
He is wise, sir; he knew your worship would kill him,
if he came.
Caius
By gar, de herring is no dead so as I vill kill him.
Take your rapier, Jack ; I vill tell you how I vill kill
him.
Rugby
Alas, sir, I cannot fence.
Caius
Villany, take your rapier.
Rugby
Forbear; here's company.
Enter Host, Shallow, Slender, and Page
Host
Bless thee, bully doctor 1
Shallow
Save you, Master Doctor Caius 1
Page
Now, good master doctor 1
66 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act ii.
Slender
Give you good-morrow, sir.
Caius
Vat be all you, one, two, tree, four, come for ?
Host
To see thee fight, to see thee foin, to see thee traverse ;
to see thee here, to see thee there ; to see thee pass thy
punto, thy stock, thy reverse, thy distance, thy montant.
Is he dead, my Ethiopian ? is he dead, my Francisco ?
ha, bully! What says my ^Esculapius? my Galen? my
heart of elder ? ha ! is he dead, bully stale ? is he
dead?
Caius
By gar, he is de coward Jack priest of de vorld ; he is
not show his face.
Host
Thou art a Castalion-King-Urinal. Hector of Greece,
my boy !
Caius
I pray you, bear vitness that me have stay six or seven,
two, tree hours for him, and he is no come.
Shallow
He is the wiser man, master doctor : he is a curer of
souls, and you a curer of bodies ; if you should fight,
sc. in. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 67
you go against the hair of your professions. Is it not
true, Master Page ?
Page
Master Shallow, you have yourself been a great fighter,
though now a man of peace.
Shallow
Bodykins, Master Page, though I now be old and of the
peace, if I see a sword out, my finger itches to make
one. Though we are justices and doctors and church-
men, Master Page, we have some salt of our youth in
us ; we are the sons of women, Master Page.
Page
'Tis true, Master Shallow.
Shallow
It will be found so, Master Page. Master Doctor Caius t
I am come to fetch you home. I am sworn of the
peace : you have showed yourself a wise physician, and
Sir Hugh hath shown himself a wise and patient
churchman. You must go with me, master doctor.
Host
Parden, guest-justice. A word, Mounseur Mockwater.
Caius
Mock-vater 1 vat is dat ?
68 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act ii.
Host
Mock-water, in our English tongue, is valour, bully.
Caius
By gar, den, I have as mush mock-vater as de English- •
man. Scurvy jack-dog priest ! by gar, me vill cut his
ears.
Host
He will clapper-claw thee tightly, bully.
Caius
Clapper-de-claw ! vat is dat ?
Host
That is, he will make thee amends.
Caius
By gar, me do look he shall clapper-de-claw me; for,
by gar, me vill have it.
Host
And I will provoke him to 't, or let him wag.
Caius
Me tank you for dat.
Host
And, moreover, bully, — but first, master guest, and
Master Page, and eke Cavaleiro Slender, go you through
the town to Frogmore. [Aside to them.
sc. in. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 69
Page
Sir Hugh is there, is he ?
Host
He is there : see what humour he is in ; and I will
bring the doctor about by the fields. Will it do well ?
Shallow
We will do it.
Page, Shallow, and Slender
Adieu, good master doctor.
[Exeunt Page, Shallow, and Slender.
Caius
By gar, me vill kill de priest ; for he speak for a jack-
an-ape to Anne Page.
Host
Let him die : sheathe thy impatience, throw cold water
on thy choler: go about the fields with me through
Frogmore : I will bring thee where Mistress Anne
Page is, at a farm-house a-feasting : and thou shalt woo
her. Cried I aim? said I well?
Caius
By gar, me dank you for dat : by gar, I love you ; and
I shall procure-a you de good guest, de earl, de knight,
de lords, de gentlemen, my patients.
70 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act ii.
Host
For the which I will be thy adversary toward Anne
Page. Said I well?
Caius
By gar, 'tis good ; veil said.
Host
Let us wag, then.
Caius
Come at my heels, Jack Rugby.
[Exeunt.
'CWe at-r^j W6,l4l^
t£S!^
Scene I
A field near Frogmore
Enter Sir Hugh Evans and Simple
Evans
I pray you now, good Master Slender's serving-man,
and friend Simple by your name, which way have you
7i
72 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act hi.
looked for Master Caius, that calls himself doctor of
physic ?
Simple
Marry, sir, the pittie-ward, the park-ward, every way ;
old Windsor way, and every way but the town way.
Evans
I most fehemently desire you you will also look that
way.
Simple
I will, sir. [Exit.
Evans
'Pless my soul, how full of chollors I am, and trempling
of mind ! I shall be glad if he have deceived me. How
melancholies I am! I will knog his urinals about his
knave's costard when I have good opportunities for the
ork. 'Pless my soul ! [Sings.
To shallow rivers, to whose falls
Melodious birds sings madrigals ;
There will we make our peds of roses,
And a thousand fragrant posies.
To shallow —
Mercy on me ! I have a great dispositions to cry.
[Sings.
Melodious birds sing madrigals —
When as I sat in Pabylon —
A nd a thousand vagram posies.
To shallow, &c.
sc. i. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 73
Re-enter Simple
Simple
Yonder he is coming, this way, Sir Hugh.
Evans
He's welcome. [Sings.
To shallow rivers, to whose falls —
Heaven prosper the right ! What weapons is he ?
Simple
No weapons, sir. There comes my master, Master
Shallow, and another gentleman, from Frogmore, over
the stile, this way.
Evans
Pray you, give me my gown ; or else keep it in your
arms.
Enter Page, Shallow, and Slender
Shallow
How now, master parson 1 Good-morrow, good Sir
Hugh. Keep a gamester from the dice, and a good
student from his book, and it is wonderful.
Slender
[Aside~\ Ah, sweet Anne Page!
74 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act hi.
Page
'Save you, good Sir Hugh !
Evans
'Pless you from his mercy sake, all of you !
Shallow
What, the sword and the word ! do you study them both,
master parson?
Page
And youthful still ! in your doublet and hose this raw
rheumatic day !
Evans
There is reasons and causes for it.
Page
We are come to you to do a good office, master parson.
Evans
Fery well : what is it ?
Page
Yonder is a most reverend gentleman, who, belike
having received wrong by some person, is at most odds
with his own gravity and patience that ever you saw.
Shallow
I haye lived fourscore years and upward ; I never heard
sc. i. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 75
a man of his place, gravity and learning so wide of his
own respect.
Evans
What is he?
Page
I think you know him; Master Doctor Caius, the
renowned French physician.
Evans
Got's will, and his passion of my heart ! I had as lief
you would tell me of a mess of porridge.
Page
Why?
Evans
He has no more knowledge in Hibocrates and Galen, —
and he is a knave besides; a cowardly knave as you
would desires to be acquainted withal.
Page
I warrant you, he's the man should fight with him.
Slender
[Aside] O sweet Anne Pagel
Shallow
It appears so by his weapons. Keep them asunder ;
here comes Doctor Caius,
j6 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act hi.
Enter Host, Caius, and Rugby
Page
Nay, good master parson, keep in your weapon.
Shallow
So do you, good master doctor.
Host
Disarm them, and let them question: let them keep
their limbs whole and hack our English.
Caius
I pray you, let-a me speak a word with your ear.
Vherefore vill you not meet-a me?
Evans
[Aside to Caius] Pray you, use your patience : in good
time.
Caius
By gar you are de coward, de Jack dog, John ape.
Evans
[Aside to Caius] Pray you let us not be laughing-stocks
to other men's humours ; I desire you in friendship, and
I will one way or other make you amends. [Aloud] I
will knog your urinals about your knave's cogscomb for
missing your meetings and appointments.
sc. i. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 77
Caius
Diable! Jack Rugby, — mine host de Jarteer, — have
I not stay for him to kill him? have I not, at de place
I did appoint ?
Evans
As I am a Christian soul now, look you, this is the
place appointed : I'll be judgement by mine host of the
Garter.
Host
Peace, I say! Gallia and Gaul, French and Welsh,
soul-curer and body-curer !
Caius
Ay, dat is very good ; excellent.
Host
Peace I sayl hear mine host of the Garter. Am I
politic ? am I subtle ? am I a Machiavel ? Shall I lose
my doctor? no; he gives me the potions and the
motions. Shall I lose my parson, my priest, my Sir
Hugh? no; he gives me the proverbs and the no-verbs.
Give me thy hand, terrestrial ; so. Give me thy hand,
celestial ; so. Boys of art, I have deceived you both ;
I have directed you to wrong places: your hearts are
mighty, your skins are whole, and let burnt sack be the
issue. Come, lay their swords to pawn. Follow me,
lads of peace ; follow, follow, follow.
78 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act hi.
Shallow
Trust me, a mad host. Follow, gentlemen, follow.
Slender
[Aside] O sweet Anne Page!
[Exeunt Shallow, Slender, Page, and Host.
Caius
Ha, do I perceive dat ? have you make-a de sot of us,
ha, ha?
Evans
This is well; he has made us his vlouting-stog. I
desire you that we may be friends ; and let us knog our
prains together to be revenge on this same scall, scurvy,
cogging companion, the host of the Garter.
Caius
By gar, with all my heart. He promise to bring me
where is Anne Page ; by gar he deceive me too.
Evans
Well, I will smite his noddles. Pray you, follow.
[Exeunt.
I had rather forsooth go before you /ike a man
than follow him like a dwarf"
sc. ii. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 79
Scene II
A street
Enter Mistress Page and Robin
Mrs. Page
Nay, keep your way, little gallant ; you were wont to be
a follower, but now you are a leader. Whether had you
rather lead mine eyes, or eye your master's heels ?
Robin
I had rather, forsooth, go before you like a man than
follow him like a dwarf.
Mrs. Page
O, you are a flattering boy: now I see you'll be a
courtier.
Enter Ford
Ford
Well met, Mistress Page. Whither go you ?
Mrs. Page
Truly, sir, to see your wife. Is she at home ?
Ford
Ay ; and as idle as she may hang together, for want of
company. I think, if your husbands were dead, you two
would marry.
80 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act hi.
Mrs. Page
Be sure of that, — two other husbands.
Ford
Where had you this pretty weathercock ?
Mrs. Page
I cannot tell what the dickens his name is my husband
had him of. What do you call your knight's name,
sirrah ?
Robin
Sir John Falstaff.
Ford
Sir John Falstaff !
Mrs. Page
He, He; I can never hit on's name. There is such
a league between my good man and he ! Is your
wife at home indeed ?
Ford
Indeed she is.
Mrs. Page
By your leave, sir : I am sick till I see her.
[Exeunt Mrs. Page and Robin.
Ford
Has Page any brains? hath he any eyes? hath he any
thinking? Sure, they sleep; he hath no use of them.
"He has eyes of youth, he smells April and May 1 '
sc. ii. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 81
Why, this boy will carry a letter twenty mile, as easy as
a cannon will shoot point-blank twelve score. He
pieces out his wife's inclination; he gives her folly
motion and advantage : and now she's going to be my
wife, and Falstaff s boy with her. A man may hear
this shower sing in the wind. And Falstaffs boy with
her ! Good plots, they are laid ; and our revolted wives
share damnation together. Well; I will take him, then
torture my wife, pluck the borrowed veil of modesty
from the so seeming Mistress Page, divulge Page him-
self for a secure and wilful Actseon; and to these
violent proceedings all my neighbours shall cry aim.
[Clock heard.~\ The clock gives me my cue, and my
assurance bids me search : there I shall find Falstaff: I
shall be rather praised for this than mocked ; for it is as
positive as the earth is firm that Falstaff is there:
I will go.
Enter Page, Shallow, Slender, Host, Sir Hugh
Evans, Caius, and Rugby
Shallow, Page, &c.
Well met, Master Ford.
Ford
Trust me, a good knot: I have good cheer at home;
and I pray you all go with me.
Shallow
I must excuse myself, Master Ford.
82 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act hi.
Slender
And so must I, sir: we have appointed to dine with
Mistress Anne, and I would not break with her for more
money than I'll speak of.
Shallow
We have lingered about a match between Anne Page
and my cousin Slender, and this day we shall have our
answer.
Slender
I hope I have your good will, father Page.
Page
You have, Master Slender; I stand wholly for you:
but my wife, master doctor, is for you altogether.
Caius
Ay, be-gar; and de maid is love-a me: my nursh-a
Quickly tell me so mush.
Host
What say you to young Master Fenton ? he capers, he
dances, he has eyes of youth, he writes verses, he speaks
holiday, he smells April and May : he will carry 't, he
will carry't; 'tis in his buttons; he will carry't.
Page
Not by my consent, I promise you. The gentleman is
of no having: he kept company with the wild prince
" Then- empty it ui the muddy ditch
sc. ii. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 83
and Poins ; he is of too high a region ; he knows too
much. No, he shall not knit a knot in his fortunes
with the finger of my substance : if he take her, let him
take her simply; the wealth I have waits on my consent,
and my consent goes not that way.
Ford
I beseech you heartily, some of you go home with me
to dinner: besides your cheer, you shall have sport; I
will show you a monster. Master doctor, you shall go ;
so shall you, Master Page ; and you, Sir Hugh.
Shallow
Well, fare you well : we shall have the freer wooing at
Master Page's. \Exeunt Shallow and Slender.
Caius
Go home, John Rugby ; I come anon. [Exit Rugby.
Host
Farewell, my hearts: I will to my honest knight
Falstaff, and drink canary with him. [Exit.
Ford
[Aside] I think I shall drink in pipe-wine first with him ;
I'll make him dance. Will you go, gentles?
All
Have with you to see this monster. [Exmnt.
84 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act hi.
Scene III
A room in Ford's house
Enter Mistress Ford and Mistress Page
Mrs. Ford
What, John I What, Robert I
Mrs. Page
Quickly, quickly ! Is the buck-basket —
Mrs. Ford
I warrant. What, Robin, I say!
Enter Servants with a basket
Mrs. Page
Come, come, come.
Mrs. Ford
Here, set it down.
Mrs. Page
Give your men the charge; we must be brief.
Mrs. Ford
Marry, as I told you before, John and Robert, be ready
here hard by in the brewhouse: and when I suddenly
call you, come forth, and without any pause or stagger-
c; Y<nt little J ack~a-lent y have you been true to tis? n
Hft-^Vtf
sc. in. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 85
ing take this basket on your shoulders: that done,
trudge with it in all haste, and carry it among the
whitsters in Datchet-mead, and there empty it in the
muddy ditch close by the Thames side.
Mrs. Page
You will do it?
Mrs. Ford
I ha' told them over and over; they lack no direction.
Be gone, and come when you are called.
[Exeunt Servants.
Mrs. Page
Here comes little Robin.
Enter Robin
Mrs. Ford
How now, my eyas-musket! what news with you?
Robin
My master, Sir John, is come in at your back-door,
Mistress Ford, and requests your company.
Mrs. Page
You little Jack-a-Lent, have you been true to us ?
Robin
Ay, I'll be sworn. My master knows not of your being
here and hath threatened to put me into everlasting
86 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act hi.
liberty if I tell you of it; for he swears he'll turn me
away.
Mrs. Page
Thou'rt a good boy: this secrecy of thine shall be a
tailor to thee and shall make thee a new doublet and
hose. I'll go hide me.
Mrs. Ford
Do so. Go tell thy master I am alone. [Exit Robin.
Mistress Page, remember you your cue.
Mrs. Page
I warrant thee; if I do not act it, hiss me. [Exit.
Mrs. Ford
Go to, then : we'll use this unwholesome humidity, this
gross watery pumpion ; we'll teach him to know turtles
from jays.
Enter Falstaff
Falstaff
Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel ? Why, now let
me die, for I have lived long enough : this is the period
of my ambition : O this blessed hour !
Mrs. Ford
O sweet Sir John !
« There comes my master, Mister Shallop ami
another gentleman from Frogmore over
//,,• c/>'/,' this. 7UdV
ike stile this wa)
sc. in. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 87
Falstaff
Mistress Ford, I cannot cog, I cannot prate, Mistress
Ford. Now shall I sin in my wish: I would thy
husband were dead : I'll speak it before the best lord; I
would make thee my lady.
Mrs. Ford
I your lady, Sir John ! alas, I should be a pitiful lady !
Falstaff
Let the court of France show me such another. I see
how thine eye would emulate the diamond : thou hast
the right arched beauty of the brow that becomes the
ship-tire, the tire valiant, or any tire of Venetian
admittance.
Mrs. Ford
A plain kerchief, Sir John : my brows become nothing
else ; nor that well neither.
Falstaff
By the Lord, thou art a traitor to say so : thou wouldst
make an absolute courtier ; and the firm fixture of thy
foot would give an excellent motion to thy gait in a
semi-circled farthingale. I see what thou wert, if
Fortune thy foe were not, Nature thy friend. Come,
thou canst not hide it.
88 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act hi.
Mrs. Ford
Believe me, there's no such thing in me.
Falstaff
What made me love thee? let that persuade thee there's
something extraordinary in thee. Come, I cannot cog
and say thou art this and that, like a many of these
lisping hawthorn-buds, that come like women in men's
apparel, and smell like Bucklersbury in simple time ; I
cannot : but I love thee ; none but thee ; and thou
deservest it.
Mrs. Ford
Do not betray me, sir. I fear you love Mistress Page.
Falstaff
Thou mightst as well say I love to walk by the
Counter-gate, which is as hateful to me as the reek of a
lime-kiln.
Mrs. Ford
Well, heaven knows how I love you ; and you shall one
day find it.
Falstaff
Keep in that mind ; I'll deserve it.
Mrs. Ford
Nay, I must tell you, so you do ; or else I could not be
in that mind.
/ cannot cog, and say thou art this and that, like a
many of these lisping hawthorn buds "
sc. in. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 89
Robin
[ Witkin~\ Mistress Ford, Mistress Ford I here's Mistress
Page at the door, sweating and blowing and looking
wildly, and would needs speak with you presently.
Falstaff
She shall not see me : I will ensconce me behind the
arras.
Mrs. Ford
Pray you, do so : she's a very tattling woman.
[Falstaff hides himself.
Re-enter Mistress Page and Robin
What's the matter ? how now !
Mrs. Page
O Mistress Ford, what have you done ? You're
shamed, you're overthrown, you're undone for ever 1
Mrs. Ford
What's the matter, good Mistress Page?
Mrs. Page
O well-a-day, Mistress Ford ! having an honest man to
your husband, to give him such cause of suspicion 1
Mrs. Ford
What cause of suspicion ?
90 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act hi.
Mrs. Page
What cause of suspicion ! Out upon you ! how am I
mistook in you !
Mrs. Ford
Why, alas, what's the matter ?
Mrs. Page
Your husband's coming hither, woman, with all the
officers in Windsor, to search for a gentleman that he
says is here now in the house by your consent, to take
an ill advantage of his absence : you are undone.
Mrs. Ford
'Tis not so, I hope.
Mrs. Page
Pray heaven it be not so, that you have such a man
here ! but 'tis most certain your husband's coming with
half Windsor at his heels, to search for such a one. I
come before to tell you. If you know yourself clear,
why, I am glad of it; but if you have a friend here,
convey, convey him out. Be not amazed ; call all your
senses to you ; defend your reputation, or bid farewell
to your good life for ever.
Mrs. Ford
What shall I do ? There is a gentleman my dear friend ;
and I fear not mine own shame so much as his peril : I
had rather than a thousand pound he were out of the
house.
They cover him with foul linen
sc. in. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 91
Mrs. Page
For shame ! never stand ' you had rather ' and ' you
had rather : ' your husband's here at hand ; bethink you
of some conveyance : in the house you cannot hide him.
O, how have you deceived me ! Look, here is a
basket: if he be of any reasonable stature, he may
creep in here ; and throw foul linen upon him, as if it
were going to bucking : or — it is whiting-time — send
him by your two men to Datchet-mead.
Mrs. Ford
He's too big to go in there. What shall I do ?
Falstaff
[Coming forward] Let me see 't, let me see 't, O, let me
see 't! I'll in, I'll in. Follow your friend's counsel.
I'll in.
Mrs. Page
What, Sir John Falstaff! Are these your letters,
knight?
Falstaff
I love thee. Help me away. Let me creep in here.
I'll never
[Gets into the basket ; they cover
him with foul linen.
Mrs. Page
Help to cover your master, boy. Call your men,
Mistress Ford. You dissembling knight I
92 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act hi.
Mrs. Ford
What, John ! Robert ! John ! [Exit Robin.
Re-enter Servants
Go take up these clothes here quickly. Where's the
cowl-staff? look, how you drumble! Carry them to the
laundress in Datchet-mead ; quickly, come.
Enter Ford, Page, Caius, and Sir Hugh Evans
Ford
Pray you, come near : if I suspect without cause, why
then make sport at me; then let me be your jest; I
deserve it. How now ! whither bear you this ?
Servants
To the laundress, forsooth.
Mrs. Ford
Why, what have you to do whither they bear it ? You
were best meddle with buckwashing.
Ford
Buck 1 I would I could wash myself of the buck ! Buck,
buck, buck ! Ay, buck ; I warrant you buck ; and of
the season too, it shall appear. [Exeunt Servants with
the basket.] Gentlemen, I have dreamed to-night ; I'll
sc. in. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 93
tell you my dream. Here, here, here be my keys :
ascend my chambers ; search, seek, find out : I'll
warrant we'll unkennel the fox. Let me stop this way
first. [Locking the door?\ So, now uncape.
Page
Good Master Ford, be contented ; you wrong yourself
too much.
Ford
True, Master Page. Up, gentlemen ; you shall see sport
anon : follow me, gentlemen. [Exit.
Evans
This is fery fantastical humours and jealousies.
Caius
By gar, 'tis no the fashion of France ; it is not jealous
in France.
Page
Nay, follow him, gentlemen; see the issue of his search.
[Exeunt Page, Caius, and Evans.
Mrs. Page
Is there not a double excellency in this?
Mrs. Ford
I know not which pleases me better, that my husband
is deceived, or Sir John.
94 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act hi.
Mrs. Page
What a taking was he in when your husband asked who
was in the basket !
Mrs. Ford
I am half afraid he will have need of washing ; so
throwing him into the water will do him a benefit.
Mrs. Page
Hang him, dishonest rascal I I would all of the same
strain were in the same distress.
Mrs. Ford
I think my husband hath some special suspicion of
Falstaff's being here ; for I never saw him so gross in
his jealousy till now.
Mrs. Page
I will lay a plot to try that ; and we will yet have more
tricks with Falstaff: his dissolute disease will scarce
obey this medicine.
Mrs. Ford
Shall we send that foolish carrion, Mistress Quickly, to
him, and excuse his throwing into the water ; and give
him another hope, to betray him to another punishment ?
Mrs. Page
We will do it : let him be sent for to-morrow, eight
o'clock, to have amends.
sc. in. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 95
Re-enter Ford, Page, Caius, and Sir
Hugh Evans
Ford
I cannot find him : may be the knave bragged of that
he could not compass.
Mrs. Page
[Aside to Mrs. Ford] Heard you that ?
Mrs. Ford
You use me well, Master Ford, do you ?
Ford
Ay, I do so.
Mrs. Ford
Heaven make you better than your thoughts !
Ford
Amen!
Mrs. Page
You do yourself mighty wrong, Master Ford.
Ford
Ay, ay ; I must bear it.
Evans
If there be any pody in the house, and in the chambers,
and in the coffers, and in the presses, heaven forgive
my sins at the day of judgement !
96 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act hi.
Caius
By gar, nor I too : there is no bodies.
Page
Fie, fie, Master Ford ! are you not ashamed ? What
spirit, what devil suggests this imagination ? I would
not ha' your distemper in this kind for the wealth of
Windsor Castle.
Ford
'Tis my fault, Master Page : I suffer for it.
Evans
You suffer for a pad conscience : your wife is as honest
a 'omans as I will desires among five thousand, and five
hundred too.
Caius
By gar, I see 'tis an honest woman.
Ford
Well, I promised you a dinner. Come, come, walk in
the Park : I pray you, pardon me ; I will hereafter
make known to you why I have done this. Come,
wife; come, Mistress Page. I pray you, pardon me;
pray heartily, pardon me.
Page
Let's go in, gentlemen ; but, trust me, we'll mock him.
I do invite you to-morrow morning to my house to
sc. in. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 97
breakfast: after, we'll a-birding together; I have a fine
hawk for the bush. Shall it be so ?
Ford
Any thing.
Evans
If there is one, I shall make two in the company.
Caius
If dere be one or two, I shall make-a the turd.
Ford
Pray you, go, Master Page.
Evans
I pray you now, remembrance to-morrow on the lousy
knave, mine host.
Caius
Dat is good : by gar, with all my heart !
Evans
A lousy knave, to have his gibes and his mockeries !
[Exeunt.
'
98 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act hi.
Scene IV
A room in Page's house
Enter Fenton and Anne Page
Fenton
I see I cannot get thy father's love ;
Therefore no more turn me to him, sweet Nan.
Anne
Alas, how then?
Fenton
Why, thou must be thyself.
He doth object I am too great of birth ;
And that, my state being gall'd with my expense,
I seek to heal it only by his wealth :
Besides these, other bars he lays before me,
My riots past, my wild societies ;
And tells me 'tis a thing impossible
I should love thee but as a property.
Anne
May be he tells you true.
Fenton
No, heaven so speed me in my time to come !
Albeit I will confess thy father's wealth
Was the first motive that I woo'd thee, Anne :
sliid 'tis the very riches of thyself that noiv
I aim at "
NiiVrt \
sc. iv. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 99
Yet, wooing thee, I found thee of more value
Than stamps in gold or sums in sealed bags ;
And 'tis the very riches of thyself
That now I aim at.
Anne
Gentle Master Fenton,
Yet seek my father's love ; still seek it, sir:
If opportunity and humblest suit
Cannot attain it, why, then, — hark you hither !
[They converse apa7't.
Enter Shallow, Slender, and Mistress
Quickly
Shallow
Break their talk, Mistress Quickly: my kinsman shall
speak for himself.
Slender
I'll make a shaft or a bolt on 't : 'slid, 'tis but venturing.
Shallow
Be not dismayed.
Slender
No, she shall not dismay me : I care not for that, but
that I am afeared.
Quickly
Hark ye ; Master Slender would speak a word with
you.
i
ioo MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act hi.
Anne
I come to him. [Aside] This is my father's choice.
O, what a world of vile ill-favour'd faults
Looks handsome in three hundred pounds a-year !
Quickly
And how does good Master Fenton ? Pray you, a
word with you.
Shallow
She's coming; to her, coz. O boy, thou hadst a
father !
Slender
I had a father, Mistress Anne ; my uncle can tell you
good jests of him. Pray you, uncle, tell Mistress Anne
the jest, how my father stole two geese out of a pen,
good uncle.
Shallow
Mistress Anne, my cousin loves you.
Slender
Ay, that I do; as well as I love any woman in
Gloucestershire.
Shallow
He will maintain you like a gentlewoman.
Slender
Ay, that I will, come cut and long-tail, under the degree
of a squire.
" / had a father, Mistress Anne ; my uncle can
te/1 yon good jests of him "
sc. iv. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 101
Shallow
He will make you a hundred and fifty pounds jointure.
Anne
Good Master Shallow, let him woo for himself.
Shallow
Marry, I thank you for it ; I thank you for that good
comfort. She calls you, coz : I'll leave you.
Anne
Now, Master Slender, —
Slender
Now, good Mistress Anne, —
Anne
What is your will ?
Slender
My will 1 'od's heartlings, that's a pretty jest indeed 1 I
ne'er made my will yet, I thank heaven ; I am not such
a sickly creature, I give heaven praise.
Anne
I mean, Master Slender, what would you with me ?
Slender
Truly, for mine own part, I would little or nothing with
you. Your father and my uncle hath made motions : if
102 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act hi.
it be my luck, so ; if not, happy man be his dole !
They can tell you how things go better than I can:
you may ask your father ; here he comes.
Enter Page and Mistress Page
Page
Now, Master Slender : love him, daughter Anne.
Why, how now ! what does Master Fenton here ?
You wrong me, sir, thus still to haunt my house :
I told you, sir, my daughter is disposed of.
Fenton
Nay, Master Page, be not impatient.
Mrs. Page
Good Master Fenton, come not to my child.
Page
She is no match for you.
Fenton
Sir, will you hear me?
Page
No, good Master Fenton.
Come, Master Shallow ; come, son Slender, in.
Knowing my mind, you wrong me, Master Fenton.
[Exeunt Page, Shallow, and Slender.
Quickly
Speak to Mistress Page.
cr-
sc. iv. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 103
Fenton
Good Mistress Page, for that I love your daughter
In such a righteous fashion as I do,
Perforce, against all checks, rebukes and manners,
I must advance the colours of my love
And not retire : let me have your good will.
Anne
Good mother, do not marry me to yond fool.
Mrs. Page
I mean it not ; I seek you a better husband.
Quickly
That's my master, master doctor.
Anne
Alas, I had rather be set quick i' the earth
And bowl'd to death with turnips !
Mrs. Page
Come, trouble not yourself. Good Master Fenton,
I will not be your friend nor enemy :
My daughter will I question how she loves you,
And as I find her, so am I affected.
Till then farewell, sir: she must needs go in ;
Her father will be angry.
104 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act hi.
Fenton
Farewell, gentle mistress : farewell, Nan.
[Exeunt Mrs. Page and Anne.
Quickly
This is my doing, now: 'Nay,' said I, 'will you cast
away your child on a fool, and a physician ? Look on
Master Fenton : ' this is my doing.
Fenton
I thank thee ; and I pray thee, once to-night
Give my sweet Nan this ring : there's for thy pains.
Quickly
Now heaven send thee good fortune 1 [Exit Fenton.] A
kind heart he hath: a woman would run through fire
and water for such a kind heart. But yet I would my
master had Mistress Anne ; or I would Master Slender
had her ; or, in sooth, I would Master Fenton had her :
I will do what I can for them all three ; for so I have
promised, and I'll be as good as my word ; but
speciously for Master Fenton. Well, I must of another
errand to Sir John FalstafF from my two mistresses :
what a beast am I to slack it ! [Exit.
" Thrown in the Thames "
sc. v. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 105
Scene V
A room in the Garter Inn
' Enter Falstaff and Bardolph
Falstaff
Bardolph, I say, —
Bardolph
Here, sir.
Falstaff
Go fetch me a quart of sack ; put a toast in't. [Exit
Bardolph.] Have I lived to be carried in a basket, like
a barrow of butcher's offal, and to be thrown in the
Thames ? Well, if I be served such another trick, I'll
have my brains ta'en out and buttered, and give them
to a dog for a new-year's gift. The rogues slighted me
into the river with as little remorse as they would have
drowned a blind bitch's puppies, fifteen i' the litter: and
you may know by my size that I have a kind of alacrity
in sinking; if the bottom were as deep as hell, I should
down. I had been drowned, but that the shore was
shelvy and shallow, — a death that I abhor ; for the
water swells a man ; and what a thing should I have
been when I had been swelled 1 I should have been a
mountain of mummy.
Re-enter Bardolph with sack
Bardolph
Here's Mistress Quickly, sir, to speak with you.
106 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act hi.
Falstaff
Come, let me pour in some sack to the Thames water ;
for my belly's as cold as if I had swallowed snowballs
for pills to cool the reins. Call her in.
Bardolph
Come in, woman !
Enter Mistress Quickly
Quickly
By your leave ; I cry you mercy : give your worship
good-morrow.
Falstaff
Take away these chalices. Go brew me a pottle of sack
finely.
Bardolph
With eggs, sir?
Falstaff
Simple of itself ; I'll no pullet-sperm in my brewage.
[Exit Bardolph.] How now !
Quickly
Marry, sir, I come to your worship from Mistress
Ford.
Falstaff
Mistress Ford ! I have had ford enough ; I was thrown
into the ford ; I have my belly full of ford.
sc. v. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 107
Quickly
Alas the day ! good heart, that was not her fault : she
does so take on with her men; they mistook their
erection.
Falstaff
So did I mine, to build upon a foolish woman's
promise.
Quickly
Well, she laments, sir, for it, that it would yearn your
heart to see it. Her husband goes this morning
a-birding ; she desires you once more to come to her
between eight and nine : I must carry her word quickly :
she'll make you amends, I warrant you.
Falstaff
Well, I will visit her : tell her so ; and bid her think
what a man is : let her consider his frailty, and then
judge of my merit.
Quickly
I will tell her.
Falstaff
Do so. Between nine and ten, sayest thou ?
Quickly
Eight and nine, sir.
Falstaff
Well, be gone : I will not miss her.
108 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act hi.
Quickly
Peace be with you, sir. [Exit.
Falstaff
I marvel I hear not of Master Brook ; he sent me word
to stay within : I like his money well. O, here he
comes.
Enter Ford
Ford
Bless you, sir !
Falstaff
Now, master Brook, you come to know what hath
passed between me and Ford's wife ?
Ford
That, indeed, Sir John, is my business.
Falstaff
Master Brook, I will not lie to you : I was at her house
the hour she appointed me.
Ford
And sped you, sir ?
Falstaff
Very ill-favouredly, Master Brook.
Ford
How so, sir ? Did she change her determination ?
sc. v. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 109
Falstaff
No, Master Brook; but the peaking Cornuto her
husband, Master Brook, dwelling in a continual 'larum
of jealousy, comes me in the instant of our encounter,
after we had embraced, kissed, protested, and, as it
were, spoke the prologue of our comedy; and at his
heels a rabble of his companions, thither provoked and
instigated by his distemper, and, forsooth, to search his
house for his wife's love.
Ford
What, while you were there ?
Falstaff
While I was there.
Ford
And did he search for you, and could not find you ?
Falstaff
You shall hear. As good luck would have it, comes
in one Mistress Page; gives intelligence of Ford's
approach: and, in her invention and Ford's 'wife's
distraction, they conveyed me into a buck-basket.
Ford
A buck-basket 1
Falstaff
By the Lord, a buck-basket 1 rammed me in with foul
shirts and smocks, socks, foul stockings, greasy
no MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act hi.
napkins; that, Master Brook, there was the rankest
compound of villanous smell that ever offended nostril.
Ford
And how long lay you there ?
Falstaff
Nay, you shall hear, Master Brook, what I have suffered
to bring this woman to evil for your good. Being thus
crammed in the basket, a couple of Ford's knaves, his
hinds, were called forth by their mistress to carry me in
the name of foul clothes to Datchet-lane : they took me
on their shoulders ; met the jealous knave their master
in the door, who asked them once or twice what they
had in their basket : I quaked for fear, lest the lunatic
knave would have searched it ; but fate, ordaining he
should be a cuckold, held his hand. Well : on went he
for a search, and away went I for foul clothes. But
mark the sequel, Master Brook : I suffered the pangs of
three several deaths; first, an intolerable fright, to be
detected with a jealous rotten bell-wether; next, to be
compassed, like a good bilbo, in the circumference of a
peck, hilt to point, heel to head ; and then, to be stopped
in, like a strong distillation, with stinking clothes that
fretted in their own grease: think of that, — a man of
my kidney, — think of that, — that am as subject to heat
as butter ; a man of continual dissolution and thaw : it
was a miracle to 'scape suffocation. And in the height
of this bath, when I was more than half stewed in grease,
sc. v. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR in
like a Dutch dish, to be thrown into the Thames, and
cooled, glowing hot, in that surge, like a horse-shoe;
think of that, — hissing hot, — think of that, Master
Brook.
Ford
In good sadness, sir, I am sorry that for my sake you
have suffered all this. My suit then is desperate ; you'll
undertake her no more ?
Falstaff
Master Brook, I will be thrown into Etna, as I have
been into the Thames, ere I will leave her thus. Her
husband is this morning gone a-birding: I have
received from her another embassy of meeting; 'twixt
eight and nine is the hour, Master Brook.
Ford
'Tis past eight already, sir.
Falstaff
Is it? I will then address me to my appointment.
Come to me at your convenient leisure, and you shall
know how I speed ; and the conclusion shall be crowned
with your enjoying her. Adieu. You shall have her,
Master Brook; Master Brook, you shall cuckold Ford.
{Exit.
Ford
Huml hal is this a vision? is this a dream? do I
sleep? Master Ford, awake! awake. Master Fordl
112
MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act hi.
there's a hole made in your best coat, Master Ford.
This 'tis to be married ! this 'tis to have linen and buck-
baskets ! Well, I will proclaim myself what I am :
I will now take the lecher; he is at my house; he
cannot 'scape me ; ' tis impossible he should ; he cannot
creep into a halfpenny purse, nor into a pepper-box:
but, lest the devil that guides him should aid him, I will
search impossible places. Though what I am I cannot
avoid, yet to be what I would not shall not make me
tame : if I have horns to make one mad, let the proverb
go with me : I'll be horn mad. [Exit.
Scene I
A street
Enter Mistress Page, Mistress Quickly,
and William
Mrs. Page
Is he at Master Ford's already, think'st thou?
"3
114 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act iv.
Quickly
Sure he is by this, or will be presently : but, truly, he is
very courageous mad about his throwing into the water.
Mistress Ford desires you to come suddenly.
Mrs. Page
I'll be with her by and by ; I'll but bring my young
man here to school. Look, where his master comes;
'tis a playing-day, I see.
Enter Sir Hugh Evans
How now, Sir Hugh ! no school to-day ?
Evans
No ; Master Slender is let the boys leave to play.
Quickly
Blessing of his heart !
Mrs. Page
Sir Hugh, my husband says my son profits nothing in
the world at his book. I pray you, ask him some
questions in his accidence.
Evans
Come hither, William ; hold up your head ; come.
Master Slender is let the boys leave to play"
sc. i. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 115
Mrs. Page
Come on, sirrah ; hold up your head ; answer your
master, be not afraid.
Evans
William, how many numbers is in nouns ?
William
Two.
Quickly
Truly, I thought there had been one number more,
because they say, ' 'Od's nouns.'
Evans
Peace your tattlings ! What is 'fair,' William?
William
Pulcher.
Quickly
Polecats ! there are fairer things than polecats, sure.
Evans
You are a very simplicity 'oman : I pray you, peace.
What is ■ lapis,' William ?
William
A stone.
Evans
And what is ' a stone,' William ?
u6 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act iv.
William
A pebble.
Evans
No, it is ' lapis : ' I pray you, remember in your prain.
William
Lapis.
Evans
That is a good William. What is he, William, that
does lend articles ?
William
Articles are borrowed of the pronoun, and be thus
declined, Singulariter, nominativo, hie, haec, hoc.
Evans
Nominativo, hig, hag, hog ; pray you, mark : genitivo,
hujus. Well, what is your accusative case ?
William
Accusativo, hinc.
Evans
I pray you, have your remembrance, child ; accusativo,
hung, hang, hog.
Quickly
'Hang-hog' is Latin for bacon, I warrant you.
Evans
Leave your prabbles, 'oman. What is the focative
case, William?
sc. i. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 117
William
O, — vocativo, O.
Evans
Remember, William ; focative is caret.
Quickly
And that's a good root.
Evans
'Oman, forbear.
Mrs. Page
Peace !
Evans
What is your genitive
case plural,
William
William ?
Genitive case 1
Evans
Ay.
William
Genitive, — horum, harum, horum.
Quickly
Vengeance of Jenny's case ! fie on her ! never name her,
child, if she be a whore.
Evans
For shame, 'oman.
n8 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act iv.
Quickly
You do ill to teach the child such words : he teaches
him to hick and to hack, which they'll do fast enough
of themselves, and to call ' horum ' : fie upon you !
Evans
'Oman, art thou lunatics ? hast thou no understandings
for thy cases and the numbers of the genders ? Thou
art as foolish Christian creatures as I would desires.
Mrs. Page
Prithee, hold thy peace.
Evans
Show me now, William, some declensions of your
pronouns.
William
Forsooth, I have forgot.
Evans
It is qui, quae, quod : if you forget your ' quies,' your
'quaes,' and your 'quods,' you must be preeches. Go
your ways, and play ; go.
Mrs. Page
He is a better scholar than I thought he was.
Evans
He is a good sprag memory. Farewell, Mistress Page.
"Come on, sirratt— answer your master,
be not afraid "
sc. ii. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 119
Mrs. Page
Adieu, good Sir Hugh. [Exit Sir Hugh.
Get you home, boy. Come, we stay too long.
[Exeunt.
Scene II
A room in Ford's house
Enter Falstaff and Mistress Ford
Falstaff
Mistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up my sufferance.
I see you are obsequious in your love, and I profess
requital to a hair's breadth ; not only, Mistress Ford, in
the simple office of love, but in all the accoutrement,
complement and ceremony of it. But are you sure of
your husband now ?
Mrs. Ford
He's a-birding, sweet Sir John.
Mrs. Page
[Within] What, ho, gossip Ford! what, ho!
Mrs. Ford
Step into the chamber, Sir John. [Exit Falstaff.
120 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act iv.
Enter Mistress Page
Mrs. Page
How now, sweetheart! who's at home besides your-
self?
Mrs. Ford
Why, none but mine own people.
Mrs. Page
Indeed !
Mrs. Ford
No, certainly. [Aside to hei^ Speak louder.
Mrs. Page
Truly, I am so glad you have nobody here.
Mrs. Ford
Why?
Mrs. Page
Why, woman, your husband is in his old lunes again :
he so takes on yonder with my husband; so rails
against all married mankind ; so curses all Eve's
daughters, of what complexion soever; and so buffets
himself on the forehead, crying, ' Peer out, peer out ! '
that any madness I ever yet beheld seemed but tameness,
civility and patience, to this his distemper he is in now :
I am glad the fat knight is not here.
sc. ii. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 121
Mrs. Ford
Why, does he talk of him?
Mrs. Page
Of none but him ; and swears he was carried out, the
last time he searched for him, in a basket; protests to
my husband he is now here, and hath drawn him and
the rest of their company from their sport, to make
another experiment of his suspicion : but I am glad the
knight is not here ; now we shall see his own foolery.
Mrs. Ford
How near is he, Mistress Page?
Mrs. Page
Hard by ; at street end ; he will be here anon.
Mrs. Ford
I am undone ! The knight is here.
Mrs. Page
Why then you are utterly shamed, and he's but a dead
man. What a woman are you ! — Away with him, away
with him ! better shame than murder.
Mrs. Ford
Which way should he go? how should I bestow him?
Shall I put him into the basket again?
122 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act iv.
Re-enter Falstaff
Falstaff
No I'll come no more i' the basket. May I not go out
ere he come ?
Mrs. Page
Alas, three of Master Ford's brothers watch the door
with pistols, that none shall issue out; otherwise you
might slip away ere he came. But what make you
here?
Falstaff
What shall I do ? I'll creep up into the chimney.
Mrs. Ford
There they always use to discharge their birding-pieces.
Creep into the kiln-hole.
Falstaff
Where is it P
Mrs. Ford
He will seek there, on my word. Neither press, coffer,
chest, trunk, well, vault, but he hath an abstract for the
remembrance of such places, and goes to them by his
note : there is no hiding you in the house.
Falstaff
I'll go out then.
sc. ii. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 123
Mrs. Page
If you go out in your own semblance, you die, Sir John.
Unless you go out disguised —
Mrs. Ford
How might we disguise him ?
Mrs. Page
Alas the day, I know notl There is no woman's gown
big enough for him ; otherwise he might put on a hat,
a muffler and a kerchief, and so escape.
Falstaff
Good hearts, devise something: any extremity rather
than a mischief.
Mrs. Ford
My maid's aunt, the fat woman of Brentford, has a
gown above.
Mrs. Page
On my word, it will serve him; she's as big as he is:
and there's her thrummed hat and her muffler too.
Run up, Sir John.
Mrs. Ford
Go, go, sweet Sir John : Mistress Page and I will look
some linen for your head.
Mrs. Page
Quick, quick 1 we'll come dress you straight : put on
the gown the while. [Exit Falstaff.
124 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act iv.
Mrs. Ford
I would my husband would meet him in this shape : he
cannot abide the old woman of Brentford; he swears
she's a witch; forbade her my house and hath
threatened to beat her.
Mrs. Page
Heaven guide him to thy husband's cudgel, and the
devil guide his cudgel afterwards !
Mrs. Ford
But is my husband coming ?
Mrs. Page
Ay, in good sadness, is he ; and talks of the basket too,
howsoever he hath had intelligence.
Mrs. Ford
We'll try that ; for I'll appoint my men to carry the
basket again, to meet him at the. door with it, as they
did last time.
Mrs. Page
Nay, but he'll be here presently : let's go dress him like
the witch of Brentford.
Mrs. Ford
I'll first direct my men what they shall do with the
basket. Go up ; I'll bring linen for him straight.
[Exit.
sc. ii. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 125
Mrs. Page
Hang him, dishonest varlet! we cannot misuse him
enough.
We'll leave a proof, by that which we will do,
Wives may be merry, and yet honest too ;
We do not act that often jest and laugh ;
'Tis old, but true, Still swine eat all the draff.
{Exit.
Re-enter Mistress Ford with two Servants
Mrs. Ford
Go, sirs, take the basket again on your shoulders : your
master is hard at door ; if he bid you set it down, obey
him : quickly, despatch. [Exit.
First Servant
Come, come, take it up.
Second Servant
Pray heaven it be not full of knight again.
First Servant
I hope not ; I had as lief bear so much lead.
126 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act iv. '
Enter Ford, Page, Shallow, Caius, and
Sir Hugh Evans
Ford
Ay, but if it prove true, Master Page, have you any
way then to unfool me again ? Set down the basket,
villain ! Somebody call my wife. Youth in a basket !
O you panderly rascals ! there's a knot, a ging, a pack,
a conspiracy against me : now shall the devil be shamed.
What, wife, I say 1 Come, come forth ! Behold what
honest clothes you send forth to bleaching !
Page
Why, this passes, Master Ford ; you are not to go
loose any longer; you must be pinioned.
Evans
Why this is lunatics ! this is mad as a mad dog !
Shallow
Indeed, Master Ford, this is not well, indeed.
Ford
So say I too, sir.
Re-enter Mistress Ford
Come hither, Mistress Ford ; Mistress Ford, the honest
woman, the modest wife, the virtuous creature, that
u Are you not ashamed? let the clothes atone
sc. ii. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 127
hath the jealous fool to her husband ! I suspect without
cause, mistress, do I ?
Mrs. Ford
Heaven be my witness you do, if you suspect me in any
dishonesty.
Ford
Well said, brazen-face! hold it out. Come forth, sirrah !
\Pulling clothes out of the basket.
Page
This passes !
Mrs. Ford
Are you not ashamed ? let the clothes alone.
Ford
I shall find you anon.
Evans
'Tis unreasonable ! Will you take up your wife's
clothes ? Come away.
Ford
Empty the basket, I say I
Mrs. Ford
Why, man, why?
Ford
Master Page, as I am a man, there was one conveyed
out of my house yesterday in this basket : why may not
128 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act iv.
he be there again ? In my house I am sure he is: my
intelligence is true; my jealousy is reasonable. Pluck
me out all the linen.
Mrs. Ford
If you find a man there, he shall die a flea's death.
Page
Here's no man.
Shallow
By my fidelity, this is not well, Master Ford; this
wrongs you.
Evans
Master Ford, you must pray, and not follow the
imaginations of your own heart : this is jealousies.
Ford
Well, he's not here I seek for.
Page
No, nor nowhere else but in your brain.
Ford
Help to search my house this one time. If I find not
what I seek, show no colour for my extremity ; let me
for ever be your table-sport ; let them say of me, ' As
jealous as Ford, that searched a hollow walnut for his
wife's leman.' Satisfy me once more ; once more search
with me.
sc. ii. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 129
Mrs. Ford
What, ho, Mistress Page I come you and the old woman
down ; my husband will come into the chamber.
Ford
Old woman ! what old woman's that ?
Mrs. Ford
Why, it is my maid's aunt of Brentford.
Ford
A witch, a quean, an old cozening quean ! Have I not
forbid her my house ? She comes of errands, does she ?
We are simple men; we do not know what's brought to
pass under the profession of fortune-telling. She works
by charms, by spells, by the figure, and such daubery as
this is, beyond our element : we know nothing. Come
down, you witch, you hag, you ; come down, I say !
Mrs. Ford
Nay, good, sweet husband ! Good gentlemen, let him
not strike the old woman.
Re-enter Falstaff in woman's clothes^ and
Mistress Page
Mrs. Page
Come, Mother Prat ; come, give me your hand.
130 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act iv.
Ford
I'll prat her. [Beating hint] Out of my door, you
witch, you hag, you baggage, you pole-cat, you ronyon !
out, out! I'll conjure you, I'll fortune-tell you.
[Exit Falstaff.
Mrs. Page
Are you not ashamed ? I think you have killed the
poor woman.
Mrs. Ford
Nay, he will do it. 'Tis a goodly credit for you.
Ford
Hang her, witch !
Evans
By yea and no, I think the 'oman is a witch indeed :
I like not when a 'oman has a great peard ; I spy a
great peard under his muffler.
Ford
Will you follow, gentlemen ? I beseech you, follow ;
see but the issue of my jealousy : if I cry out thus upon
no trail, never trust me when I open again.
Page
Let's obey his humour a little further : come, gentlemen.
[Exeunt Ford, Page, Shallow, Caius, and Evans.
" Out of my door, you witch "
mi£l!
sc. ii. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 131
Mrs. Page
Trust me, he beat him most pitifully.
Mrs. Ford
Nay, by the mass, that he did not ; he beat him most
unpitifully, methought.
Mrs. Page
I'll have the cudgel hallowed and hung o'er the altar ;
it hath done meritorious service.
Mrs. Ford
What think you ? may we, with the warrant of woman-
hood and the witness of a good conscience, pursue him
with any further revenge ?
Mrs. Page
The spirit of wantonness is, sure, scared out of him : if
the devil have him not in fee-simple, with fine and
recovery, he will never, I think, in the way of waste,
attempt us again.
Mrs. Ford
Shall we tell our husbands how we have served him ?
Mrs. Page
Yes, by all means ; if it be but to scrape the figures out
of your husband's brains. If they can find in their
132 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act iv.
hearts the poor unvirtuous fat knight shall be any-
further afflicted, we two will still be the ministers.
Mrs. Ford
I'll warrant they'll have him publicly shamed : and
methinks there would be no period to the jest, should
he not be publicly shamed.
Mrs. Page
Come, to the forge with it then ; shape it : I would not
have things cool. [Exeunt.
Scene III
A room in the Garter Inn
Enter Host and Bardolph
Bardolph
Sir, the Germans desire to have three of your horses :
the duke himself will be to-morrow at court, and they
are going to meet him.
Host
What duke should that be comes so secretly? I hear
not of him in the court. Let me speak with the
gentlemen : they speak English ?
sc. iv. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 133
Bardolph
Ay, sir; I'll call them to you.
Host
They shall have my horses; but I'll make them pay;
I'll sauce them: they have had my house a week at
command; I have turned away my other guests: they
must come off ; I'll sauce them. Come. [Exeunt.
Scene IV
A room in Ford's house
Enter Page, Ford, Mistress Page, Mistress Ford,
and Sir Hugh Evans
Evans
Tis one of the best discretions of a oman as ever I
did look upon.
Page
And did he send you both these letters at an instant ?
Mrs. Page
Within a quarter of an hour.
134 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act iv.
Ford
Pardon me, wife. Henceforth do what thou wilt ;
I rather will suspect the sun with cold
Than thee with wantonness : now doth thy honour
stand,
In him that was of late an heretic,
As firm as faith.
Page
'Tis well, 'tis well ; no more :
Be not as extreme in submission
As in offence.
But let our plot go forward : let our wives
Yet once again, to make us public sport,
Appoint a meeting with this old fat fellow,
Where we may take him and disgrace him for it.
Ford
There is no better way than that they spoke of.
Page
How? to send him word they'll meet him in the park
at midnight ? Fie, fie ! he'll never come.
Evans
You say he has been thrown in the rivers and has
been grievously peaten as an old 'oman : methinks there
should be terrors in him that he should not come ;
sc. iv. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 135
methinks his flesh is punished, he shall have no
desires.
Page
So think I too.
Mrs. Ford
Devise but how you'll use him when he comes,
And let us two devise to bring him thither.
Mrs. Page
There is an old tale goes that Heme the hunter,
Sometime a keeper here in Windsor Forest,
Doth all the winter-time, at still midnight,
Walk round about an oak, with great ragg'd horns ;
And there he blasts the tree and takes the cattle
And makes milch-kine yield blood and shakes a chain
In a most hideous and dreadful manner :
You have heard of such a spirit, and well you know
The superstitious idle-headed eld
Received and did deliver to our age
This tale of Heme the hunter for a truth.
Page
Why, yet there want not many that do fear
In deep of night to walk by this Heme's oak :
But what of this?
Mrs. Ford
Marry, this is our device ;
That Falstaff at that oak shall meet with us.
136 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act iv.
Page
Well, let it not be doubted but he'll come:
And in this shape when you have brought him
thither,
What shall be done with him ? what is your plot ?
Mrs. Page
That likewise have we thought upon, and thus :
Nan Page my daughter and my little son
And three or four more of their growth we'll dress
Like urchins, ouphes and fairies, green and white,
With rounds of waxen tapers on their heads,
And rattles in their hands : upon a sudden,
As Falstaff, she and I, are newly met,
Let them from forth a sawpit rush at once
With some diffused song : upon their sight,
We two in great amazedness will fly :
Then let them all encircle him about
And, fairy-like, to-pinch the unclean knight,
And ask him why, that hour of fairy revel,
In their so sacred paths he dares to tread
In shape profane.
Mrs. Ford
And till he tell the truth,
Let the supposed fairies pinch him sound
And burn him with their tapers.
" Then let ihcnt all encircle him about "
sc. iv. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 137
Mrs. Page
The truth being known,
We'll all present ourselves, dis-horn the spirit,
And mock him home to Windsor.
Ford
The children must
Be practised well to this, or they'll ne'er do't.
Evans
I will teach the children their behaviours ; and I will
be like a jack-an-apes also, to burn the knight with my
taber.
Ford
That will be excellent. I'll go and buy them vizards.
Mrs. Page
My Nan shall be the queen of all the fairies,
Finely attired in a robe of white.
Page
That silk will I go buy. [Aside] And in tha
time
Shall Master Slender steal my Nan away
And marry her at Eton. Go send to Falstaff
straight.
138 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act iv.
Ford
Nay, I'll to him again in name of Brook :
He'll tell me all his purpose : sure, he'll come.
Mrs. Page
Fear not you that. Go get us properties
And tricking for our fairies.
Evans
Let us about it : it is admirable pleasures and fery
honest knaveries. [Exeunt Page, Ford, and Evans.
Mrs. Page
Go, Mistress Ford,
Send quickly to Sir John, to know his mind.
[Exit Mrs. Ford.
I'll to the doctor : he hath my good will,
And none but he, to marry with Nan Page.
That Slender, though well landed, is an idiot ;
And he my husband best of all affects.
The doctor is well money'd, and his friends
Potent at court : he, none but he, shall have her,
Though twenty thousand worthier come to crave her.
[Exit.
sc. v. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 139
Scene V
A room in the Garter Inn
Enter Host and Simple
Host
What wouldst thou have, boor? what, thick-skin?
speak, breathe, discuss ; brief, short, quick, snap.
Simple
Marry, sir, I come to speak with Sir John Falstaff from
Master Slender.
Host
There's his chamber, his house, his castle, his standing-
bed and truckle-bed ; 'tis painted about with the story
of the Prodigal, fresh and new. Go knock and call ;
he'll speak like an Anthropophaginian unto thee :
knock, I say.
Simple
There's an old woman, a fat woman, gone up into his
chamber: I'll be so bold as stay, sir, till she come
down ; I come to speak with her, indeed.
Host
Ha! a fat woman! the knight may be robbed: I'll
call. Bully knight! bully Sir John! speak from thy
Ho MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act iv.
lungs military : art thou there ? it is thine host, thine
Ephesian, calls.
Falstaff
[Above] How now, mine host !
Host
Here's a Bohemian-Tartar tarries the coming down
of thy fat woman. Let her descend, bully, let her
descend ; my chambers are honourable : fie ! privacy ?
fie!
Enter Falstaff
Falstaff
There was, mine host, an old fat woman even now
with me ; but she's gone.
Simple
Pray you, sir, was't not the wise woman of
Brentford ?
Falstaff
Ay, marry, was it, mussel-shell : what would you with
her?
Simple
My master, sir, Master Slender, sent to her, seeing her
go thorough the streets, to know, sir, whether one Nym,
sir, that beguiled him of a chain, had the chain
or no.
sc. v. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 141
Falstaff
I spake with the old woman about it.
Simple
And what says she, I pray, sir ?
Falstaff
Marry, she says that the very same man that beguiled
Master Slender of his chain cozened him of it.
Simple
I would I could have spoken with the woman herself;
I had other things to have spoken with her too from
him.
Falstaff
What are they ? let us know.
Host
Ay, come ; quick.
Simple
I may not conceal them, sir.
Host
Conceal them, or thou diest.
Simple
Why, sir, they were nothing but about Mistress Anne
Page ; to know if it were my master's fortune to have
her or no.
142 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act iv.
Falstaff
'Tis, 'tis his fortune.
Simple
What, sir?
Falstaff
To have her, or no. Go ; say the woman told
me so.
Simple
May I be bold to say so, sir ?
Falstaff
Ay, sir ; like who more bold.
Simple
I thank your worship : I shall make my master glad
with these tidings. [Exit.
Host
Thou art clerkly, thou art clerkly, Sir John. Was
there a wise woman with thee ?
Falstaff
Ay, that there was, mine host ; one that hath taught
me more wit than ever I learned before in my life ;
and I paid nothing for it neither, but was paid for my
learning.
sc. v. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 143
Enter Bardolph
Bardolph
Out, alas, sir ! cozenage, mere cozenage !
Host
Where be my horses ? speak well of them, varletto.
Bardolph
Run away with the cozeners ; for so soon as I came
beyond Eton, they threw me off from behind one of
them, in a slough of mire ; and set spurs and away,
like three German devils, three Doctor Faustuses.
Host
They are gone but to meet the duke, villain ; do not
say they be fled ; Germans are honest men.
Enter Sir Hugh Evans
Evans
Where is mine host ?
Host
What is the matter, sir ?
Evans
Have a care of your entertainments : there is a friend
of mine come to town, tells me there is three cozen-
144 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act iv.
Germans that has cozened all the hosts of Readings, of
Maidenhead, of Colebrook, of horses and money. I
tell you for good will, look you : you are wise and full
of gibes and vlouting-stocks, and 'tis not convenient
you should be cozened. Fare you well. [Exit.
Enter Doctor Caius
Caius
Vere is mine host de Jarteer ?
Host
Here, master doctor, in perplexity and doubtful
dilemma.
Caius
I cannot tell vat is dat : but it is tell-a me dat you
make grand preparation for a duke de Jamany: by
my trot, dere is no duke dat the court is know to
come. I tell you for good vill : adieu. [Exit.
Host
Hue and cry, villain, go ! Assist me, knight. I am
undone ! Fly, run, hue and cry, villain ! I am
undone ! [Exeunt Host and Bardolph.
Falstaff
I would all the world might be cozened ; for I have
been cozened and beaten too. If it should come to
sc. v. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 145
the ear of the court, how I have been transformed and
how my transformation hath been washed and
cudgelled, they would melt me out of my fat drop by
drop and liquor fishermen's boots with me : I warrant
they would whip me with their fine wits till I were as
crest-fallen as a dried pear. I never prospered since
I forswore myself at primero. Well, if my wind were
but long enough to say my prayers, I would repent.
Enter Mistress Quickly
Now, whence come you ?
Quickly
From the two parties, forsooth.
Falstaff
The devil take one party and his dam the other ! and
so they shall be both bestowed. I have suffered more
for their sakes, more than the villanous inconstancy of
man's disposition is able to bear.
Quickly
And have not they suffered ? Yes, I warrant ;
speciously one of them ; Mistress Ford, good heart, is
beaten black and blue, that you cannot see a white
spot about her.
146
MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act iv.
Falstaff
What tellest thou me of black and blue ? I was
beaten myself into all the colours of the rainbow ; and
I was like to be apprehended for the witch of Brentford :
but that my admirable dexterity of wit, my counter-
feiting the action of an old woman, delivered me, the
knave constable had set me i' the stocks, i' the com-
mon stocks, for a witch.
Quickly
Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber : you shall
hear how things go ; and, I warrant, to your content.
Here is a letter will say somewhat. Good hearts,
what ado here is to bring you together ! Sure, one of
you does not serve heaven well, that you are so
crossed.
Falstaff
Come up into my chamber. \Exeunt.
sc. vi. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 147
Scene VI
A?wther room in the Garter Inn
Enter Fenton andWosi
Host
Master Fenton, talk not to me ; my mind is heavy : I
will give over all.
Fenton
Yet hear me speak. Assist me in my purpose,
And, as I am a gentleman, I'll give thee
A hundred pound in gold more than your loss.
Host
I will hear you, Master Fenton ; and I will at the
least keep your counsel.
Fenton
From time to time I have acquainted you
With the dear love I bear to fair Anne Page ;
Who mutually hath answer'd my affection,
So far forth as herself might be her chooser,
Even to my wish : I have a letter from her
Of such contents as you will wonder at ;
The mirth whereof so larded with my matter,
That neither singly can be manifested,
Without the show of both ; fat Falstaff
148 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act iv.
Hath a great scene : the image of the jest
I'll show you here at large. Hark, good mine host.
To-night at Heme's oak, just 'twixt twelve and one,
Must my sweet Nan present the Fairy Queen ;
The purpose why, is here : in which disguise,
While other jests are something rank on foot,
Her father hath commanded her to slip
Away with Slender and with him at Eton
Immediately to marry : she hath consented:
Now, sir,
Her mother, ever strong against that match
And firm for Doctor Caius, hath appointed
That he shall likewise shuffle her away,
While other sports are tasking of their minds,
And at the deanery, where a priest attends,
Straight marry her : to this her mother's plot
She seemingly obedient likewise hath
Made promise to the doctor. Now, thus it rests :
Her father means she shall be all in white,
And in that habit, when Slender sees his time
To take her by the hand and bid her go,
She shall go with him : her mother hath intended,
The better to denote her to the doctor,
For they must all be mask'd and vizarded,
That quaint in green she shall be loose enrobed,
With ribands pendent, flaring 'bout her head ;
And when the doctor spies his vantage ripe,
To pinch her by the hand, and, on that token,
The maid hath given consent to go with him.
SC. VI.
MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR
149
Host
Which means she to deceive, father or mother ?
Fenton
Both, my good host, to go along with me :
And here it rests, that you'll procure the vicar
To stay for me at church 'twixt twelve and one,
And, in the lawful name of marrying,
To give our hearts united ceremony.
Host
Well, husband your device ; I'll to the vicar:
Bring you the maid, you shall not lack a priest.
Fenton
So shall I evermore be bound to thee ;
Besides, I'll make a present recompense.
[Exeunt.
^T^^v^TT^^^
Scene I
A room in the Garter Inn
Enter Falstaff and Mistress Quickly
Falstaff
Prithee, no more prattling : go. I'll hold. This is
the third time ; I hope good luck lies in odd num-
bers. Away! go. They say there is divinity in
odd numbers, either in nativity, chance, or death.
Away !
151
152 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act v.
Quickly
I'll provide you a chain ; and I'll do what I can to get
you a pair of horns.
Falstaff
Away, I say ; time wears : hold up your head, and
mince. {Exit Mrs. Quickly.
Enter Ford
How now, Master Brook ! Master Brook, the matter
will be known to-night, or never. Be you in the Park
about midnight, at Heme's oak, and you shall see
wonders.
Ford
Went you not to her yesterday, sir, as you told me
you had appointed ?
Falstaff
I went to her, Master Brook, as you see, like a poor
old man : but I came from her, Master Brook, like a
poor old woman. That same knave Ford, her
husband, hath the finest mad devil of jealousy in him,
Master Brook, that ever governed frenzy. I will tell
you : he beat me grievously, in the shape of a woman ;
for in the shape of man, Master Brook, I fear not
Goliath with a weaver's beam ; because I know also
life is a shuttle. I am in haste ; go along with me :
I'll tell you all, Master Brook. Since I plucked geese,
sc. ii. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 153
played truant and whipped top, I knew not what 'twas
to be beaten till lately. Follow me: I'll tell you
strange things of this knave Ford, on whom to-night I
will be revenged, and I will deliver his wife into your
hand. Follow. Strange things in hand, Master Brook !
Follow. \Exeunt.
Scene II
Windsor Park
Enter Page, Shallow, and Slender
Page
Come, come ; we'll couch i' the castle-ditch till we see
the light of our fairies. Remember, son Slender, my
daughter.
Slender
Ay, forsooth ; I have spoke with her and we have a
nay-word how to know one another : I come to her in
white, and cry 'mum;' she cries 'budget;' and by
that we know one another.
Shallow
That's good too : but what needs either your ' mum '
or her ' budget ? ' the white will decipher her well
enough, k hath struck ten o'clock.
154 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act v.
Page
The night is dark ; light and spirits will become it
well. Heaven prosper our sport ! No man means
evil but the devil, and we shall know him by his
horns. Let's away ; follow me. \Exeunt.
Scene III
A street leading to the Park
Enter Mistress Page, Mistress Ford, and
Doctor Caius
Mrs. Page.
Master doctor, my daughter is in green : when you
see your time, take her by the hand, away with her
to the deanery, and despatch it quickly. Go before
into the Park : we two must go together.
Caius
I know vat I have to do. Adieu.
Mrs. Page
Fare you well, sir. [Exit Caius.] My husband will not
rejoice so much at the abuse of FalstafT as he will
sc. in. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 155
chafe at the doctor's marrying my daughter : but 'tis
no matter ; better a little chiding than a great deal of
heart-break.
Mrs. Ford
Where is Nan now and her troop of fairies, and the
Welsh devil Hugh ?
Mrs. Page
They are all couched in a pit hard by Heme's oak,
with obscured lights ; which, at the very instant of
Falstaffs and our meeting, they will at once display to
the night.
Mrs. Ford
That cannot choose but amaze him.
Mrs. Page
If he be not amazed, he will be mocked ; if he be
amazed, he will every way be mocked.
Mrs. Ford
We'll betray him finely.
Mrs. Page
Against such lewdsters and their lechery
Those that betray them do no treachery.
Mrs. Ford
The hour draws on. To the oak, to the oak !
\Exeunt.
156 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act v.
Scene IV
Windsor Park
Enter Sir Hugh Evans disguised, with others
as Fairies
Evans
Trib, trib, fairies ; come ; and remember your parts :
be pold, I pray you ; follow me into the pit ; and
when I give the watch-'ords, do as I pid you : come
come ; trib, trib. \_Exeunt.
Scene V
Another part of the Park
Enter Falstaff disguised as Heme
Falstaff
The Windsor bell hath struck twelve ; the minute
draws on. Now, the hot-blooded gods assist me !
Remember, Jove, thou wast a bull for thy Europa;
love set on thy horns. O powerful love ! that, in
some respects, makes a beast a man, in some other,
" /'".ntcr Sir Hugh Evans, . Inne Page* and others"
sc. v. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 157
a man a beast. You were also, Jupiter, a swan for
the love of Leda. O omnipotent Love ! how near the
god drew to the complexion of a goose. A fault done
first in the form of a beast. O Jove, a beastly fault !
And then another fault in the semblance of a fowl ;
think on 't, Jove ; a foul fault ! When gods have hot
backs, what shall poor men do ? For me, I am here
a Windsor stag ; and the fattest, I think, i' the forest.
Send me a cool rut-time, Jove, or who can blame me
to piss my tallow ? Who comes here ? my doe ?
Enter Mistress Ford and Mistress Page
Mrs. Ford
Sir John ! art thou there, my deer? my male deer?
Falstaff
My doe with the black scut! Let the sky rain
potatoes ; let it thunder to the tune of Green Sleeves,
hail kissing-comfits and snow eringoes ; let there come
a tempest of provocation, I will shelter me here.
Mrs. Ford
Mistress Page is come with me, sweetheart.
Falstaff
Divide me like a bribe buck, each a haunch: I will
keep my sides to myself, my shoulders for the fellow
of this walk, and my horns I bequeath your husbands.
158 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act v.
Am I a woodman, ha? Speak I like Heme the
hunter ? Why, now is Cupid a child of conscience ;
he makes restitution. As I am a true spirit, welcome !
[Noise within.
Mrs. Page
Alas, what noise ?
Mrs. Ford
Heaven forgive our sins !
Falstaff
What should this be ?
Mrs. Ford and Mrs. Page
Away, away! [They run off.
Falstaff
I think the devil will not have me damned, lest the
oil that's in me should set hell on fire : he would
never else cross me thus.
Enter Sir Hugh Evans, disguised as before ; Pistol
as Hobgoblin; Mistress Quickly, Anne Page,
and others, as Fairies, with tapers
Quickly
Fairies, black, grey, green, and white,
You moonshine revellers, and shades of night,
You orphan heirs of fixed destiny,
Attend your office and your quality.
Crier Hobgoblin, make the fairy oyes.
"Search Windsor Castle, elves, within and out n
" \w> Y\V
sc. v. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 159
Pistol
Elves, list your names ; silence, you airy toys.
Cricket, to Windsor chimneys shalt thou leap :
Where fires thou find'st unraked and hearths unswept,
There pinch the maids as blue as bilberry :
Our radiant queen hates sluts and sluttery.
Falstaff
They are fairies ; he that speaks to them shall die :
I'll wink and couch : no man their works must eye.
[Lies down upon his face.
Evans
Where's Bede ? Go you, and where you find a maid
That, ere she sleep, has thrice her prayers said,
Raise up the organs of her fantasy ;
Sleep she as sound as careless infancy :
But those as sleep and think not on their sins,
Pinch them, arms, legs, backs, shoulders, sides, and
shins.
Quickly
About, about ;
Search Windsor Castle, elves, within and out :
Strew good luck, ouphes, on every sacred room :
That it may stand till the ptrpetual doom
In state as wholesome as in state 'tis fit,
Worthy the owner, and the owner it.
160 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act v.
The several chairs of order look you scour
With juice of balm and every precious flower :
Each fair instalment, coat, and several crest,
With loyal blazon, evermore be blest !
And nightly, meadow-fairies, look you sing,
Like to the Garter's compass in a ring :
The expressure that it bears, green let it be,
More fertile-fresh than all the field to see ;
And ' Honi soit qui mal y pense ' write
In emerald tufts, flowers purple, blue and white ;
Like sapphire, pearl and rich embroidery,
Buckled below fair knighthood's bending knee :
Fairies use flowers for their charactery.
Away ; disperse : but till 'tis one o'clock,
Our dance of custom round about the oak
Of Heme the hunter, let us not forget.
Evans
Pray you, lock hand in hand ; yourselves in order set ;
And twenty glow-worms shall our lanterns be,
To guide our measure round about the tree.
But, stay ; I smell a man of middle-earth.
Falstaff
Heavens defend me from that Welsh fairy, lest he
transform me to a piece of cheese !
Pistol
Vile worm, thou wast o'erlooked even in thy birth.
" And nightly meadow fairies, took you sing' 1
sc v. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 161
Quickly
With trial-fire touch me his finger-end :
If he be chaste, the flame will back descend
And turn him to no pain ; but if he start,
It is the flesh of a corrupted heart.
Pistol
A trial, come.
Evans
Come, will this wood take fire ?
[ They burn him with their tapers.
Falstaff
Oh, Oh, Oh !
Quickly
Corrupt, corrupt, and tainted in desire !
About him, fairies ; sing a scornful rhyme ;
And, as you trip, still pinch him to your time.
Song
Fie on sinful fantasy !
Fie on lust and luxury I
Lust is but a bloody fire.
Kindled with unchaste desire.
Fed in heart, whose flames aspire
As thoughts do blow them, higher and higher.
Pinch him, fairies, mutually;
Pinch him for his villany ;
Pinch him, and burn him, and turn him about,
Till candles and starlight and moonshine be out.
i6z MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act v.
During this song they pinch Falstaff. Doctor
Caius comes one way, and steals away a boy in
green ; Slender another way, and takes off a boy in
white ; and Fenton comes, and steals away Mrs.
Anne Page. A noise of hunting is heard within.
All the Fairies run away. Falstaff pulls off his
bucks head, and rises.
Enter Page, Ford, Mistress Page
and Mistress Ford
Page
Nay, do not fly ; I think we have watch'd you now :
Will none but Heme the hunter serve your turn ?
Mrs. Page
I pray you, come, hold up the jest no higher.
Now, good Sir John, how like you Windsor wives ?
See you these, husband ? do not these fair yokes
Become the forest better than the town ?
Ford
Now, sir, who's a cuckold now ? Master Brook,
Falstaff s a knave, a cuckoldly knave ; here are his
horns, Master Brook : and, Master Brook, he hath
enjoyed nothing of Ford's but his buck-basket, his
cudgel, and twenty pounds of money, which must be
paid to Master Brook ; his horses are arrested for it,
Master Brook.
• ' Noiv, good Sir John, Ziozu like you J I Hndsor w
sc. v. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 163
Mrs. Ford
Sir John, we have had ill luck ; we could never meet.
I will never take you for my love again ; but I will
always count you my deer.
Falstaff
I do begin to perceive that I am made an ass.
Ford
Ay, and an ox too : both the proofs are extant.
Falstaff
And these are not fairies ? I was three or four times
in the thought they were not fairies ; and yet the
guiltiness of my mind, the sudden surprise of my
powers, drove the grossness of the foppery into a
received belief, in despite of the teeth of all rhyme and
reason, that they were fairies. See now how wit may
be made a Jack-a-Lent, when 'tis upon ill employment !
Evans
Sir John Falstaff, serve Got, and leave your desires,
and fairies will not pinse you.
Ford
Well said, fairy Hugh.
164 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act v.
Evans
And leave your jealousies too, I pray you.
Ford
I will never mistrust my wife again, till thou art able
to woo her in good English.
Falstaff
Have I laid my brain in the sun and dried it, that it
wants matter to prevent so gross o'er-reaching as this ?
Am I ridden with a Welsh goat too ? shall I have a
coxcomb of frize ? 'Tis time I were choked with a piece
of toasted cheese.
Evans
Seese is not good to give putter ; your belly is all
putter.
Falstaff
' Seese ' and ' putter ' ! have I lived to stand at the
taunt of one that makes fritters of English ? This is
enough to be the decay of lust and late-walking
through the realm.
Mrs. Page
Why, Sir John, do you think, though we would have
thrust virtue out of our hearts by the head and
shoulders and have given ourselves without scruple
sc. v. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 165
to hell, that ever the devil could have made you our
delight ?
Ford
What, a hodge-pudding ? a bag of flax ?
Mrs. Page
A puffed man ?
Page
Old, cold, withered and of intolerable entrails ?
Ford
And one that is as slanderous as Satan ?
Page
And as poor as Job ?
Ford
And as wicked as his wife ?
Evans
And given to fornications, and to taverns and sack
and wine and metheglins, and to drinkings and
swearings and starings, pribbles and prabbles ?
Falstaff
Well, I am your theme : you have the start of me ; I
am dejected ; I am not able to answer the Welsh
flannel ; ignorance itself is a plummet o'er me : use
me as you will.
166 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act v.
Ford
Marry, sir, we'll bring you to Windsor, to one master
Brook, that you have cozened of money, to whom
you should have been a pander: over and above that
you have suffered, I think to repay that money will
be a biting affliction.
Page
Yet be cheerful, knight : thou shalt eat a posset to-
night at my house ; where I will desire thee to laugh
at my wife, that now laughs at thee : tell her Master
Slender hath married her daughter.
Mrs. Page
[Aside] Doctors doubt that: if Anne Page be my
daughter, she is, by this, Doctor Caius' wife.
Enter Slender
Slender
Whoa, ho ! ho, father Page !
Page
Son, how now ! how now, son ! have you dispatched ?
Slender
Dispatched! I'll make the best in Gloucestershire
know on't ; would I were hanged, la, else !
" / went to her and cried ' Muni*- and she
cried ' Budget
sc. v. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 167
Page
Of what, son ?
Slender
I came yonder at Eton to marry Mistress Anne Page,
and she's a great lubberly boy. If it had not been
i' the church, I would have swinged him, or he should
have swinged me. If I did not think it had been
Anne Page, would I might never stir! — and 'tis a
postmaster's boy.
Page
Upon my life, then, you took the wrong.
Slender
What need you tell me that? I think so, when I
took a boy for a girl. If I had been married to him,
for all he was in woman's apparel, I would not have
had him.
Page
Why, this is your own folly. Did not I tell you how
you should know my daughter by her garments ?
Slender
I went to her in white, and cried 'mum,' and she
cried 'budget,' as Anne and I had appointed; and
yet it was not Anne, but a postmaster's boy.
168 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act v.
Mrs. Page
Good George, be not angry: I knew of your purpose;
turned my daughter into green ; and, indeed, she is
now with the doctor at the deanery, and there married.
Enter Caius
Caius
Vere is Mistress Page? By gar, I am cozened: I ha'
married un garc,on, a boy ; un paysan, by gar, a boy ;
it is not Anne Page : by gar, I am cozened.
Mrs. Page
Why, did you take her in green ?
Caius
Ay, by gar, and 'tis a boy: by gar, I'll raise all
Windsor. {Exit.
Ford
This is strange. Who hath got the right Anne ?
Page
My heart misgives me : here comes Master Fenton.
Enter Fenton and Anne Page
How now, Master Fenton !
sc. v. MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR 169
Anne
Pardon, good father ! good my mother, pardon !
Page
Now, mistress, how chance you went not with Master
Slender ?
Mrs. Page
Why went you not with master doctor, maid ?
Fenton
You do amaze her : hear the truth of it.
You would have married her most shamefully,
Where there was no proportion held in love.
The truth is, she and I, long since contracted,
Are now so sure that nothing can dissolve us.
The offence is holy that she hath committed ;
And this deceit loses the name of craft,
Of disobedience, or unduteous title,
Since therein she doth evitate and shun
A thousand irreligious cursed hours,
Which forced marriage would have brought upon her.
Ford
Stand not amazed ; here is no remedy :
In love the heavens themselves do guide the state ;
JMoney buys lands, and wives are sold by fate.
170 MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR act v.
Falstaff
I am glad, though you have ta'en a special stand to
strike at me, that your arrow hath glanced.
Page
Well, what remedy ? Fenton, heaven give thee joy !
What cannot be eschew'd must be embraced.
Falstaff
When night-dogs run, all sorts of deer are chased.
Mrs. Page
Well, I will muse no further, Master Fenton,
Heaven give you many, many merry days!
Good husband, let us every one go home,
And laugh this sport o'er by a country fire ;
Sir John and all.
Ford
Let it be so. Sir John,
To Master Brook you yet shall hold your word ;
For he to-night shall lie with Mistress Ford.
[Exeunt.
Ak
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